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I think my "I prefer a random clusterfuck of pronouns lol" idea was really a defensive strategy. I *really* preferred female pronouns but didn't think I'd "earned" them & I knew online it'd be a clusterfuck of misgendering in any case. It was an attempt to embrace the inevitable.
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I could aspire to androgyny but not masculinity. When they called me a man, all I saw was pity and attempts to assuage my delusions.
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