I've never actually heard a trans/NB/GNC person say "you're a bigot if you don't sleep with me" or anything close.
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I think genitals are only part of what's involved when someone says e.g. "I'm attracted to women"
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most of what we're attracted to in other people is not their genitals, in most cases
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the terminology always comes apart at the edges, and there is not clear definition of when sex goes from straight sex to gay sex
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but the idea that a man having sex with a trans woman is necessarily gay sex is problematic because 1 it invalidates trans identity and—
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2 fans "trans panic" type feelings where straight men are threatened by their attraction to trans women and lash out at them in response
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As crude as this sounds, that's the heart of the "are traps gay" debate, and also why they're not. Female presentation is the key.
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