Business email: info@contrapoints.com
I can’t stand to watch even ten seconds of my old videos because gender dysphoria. So I’m now in the weird situation that my fans know my backlog better than I do.
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I guess I’m uncomfortable that people still watch my old videos alongside my new ones. New viewers sometimes watch the backlog in no particular order, leaving them with the impression that I’m a genderfluid genderfuck rather than a trans woman.
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Maybe that’s why I cling to this now outdated idea of being “MtF.” I have to coexist forever alongside these videos of me being (to my own perception) self-evidently a man. So it’s comforting to be able to say “I am not what I was.”
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I should just be happy that people still enjoy stuff I worked really hard at in the past. But to me it’s just this nauseating horror, this ball and chain I carry around. A profitable ball and chain, though, so I can’t really complain.
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FWIW I like seeing your younger self too. Now that I know you a little better, I can't look at you then and think, "This is a man." It's comforting to see someone who is "evidently a man" without actually ~feeling~ she is one. I know the "I'm not THAT" feeling is strong though.
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Also, I found you bc of the Peterson video, and then went straight to the genderqueer one. It spoke to me. I thought of you as genderqueer for a bit until I realized that wasn't how you identified. Not sure what I'm trying to say - just glad you're more comfortable in your skin.
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I feel like that term is still a useful short hand to explain the position we occupied in society "trans women that transitioned after puberty" I also get that it might be uncomfortable to some.. I don't know where I'm going with this
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I think that's a good way to deal with it. At least as someone who insisted they were only a guy who liked women's clothing. I know now that that came from denial, but it still feels disrespectful to refer to that "me" as female. idk maybe I'm misinterpreting you.
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I always liked you and your work, but ever since you transitioned you are so much more. You have really grown. You radiate. It is just so right.
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You don't have to coexist forever with those videos. You could take them down if it's a burden to you, and I think everyone who matters would understand. (We would miss them though).
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For what my input as a guy who feels like a guy is worth, maybe think of it as a second puberty? I dread the memories of me in my teens and I'm just happy I'm no longer that person and those times are over. Your words just made me think there might be a parallel, hope this helps
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Hmm, have you ever thought about having a second channel to host that stuff, more as an archive than a part of your current work? Your old videos are majorly informative, & in a few ways, help normalise tranisition. I also wouldn't blame you from burning them all down.
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to me those old vids looks like a trans woman, i didn't even realise you hadn't started medical transition yet till you said you were a 'mayn'.
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