I can’t stand to watch even ten seconds of my old videos because gender dysphoria. So I’m now in the weird situation that my fans know my backlog better than I do.
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I guess I’m uncomfortable that people still watch my old videos alongside my new ones. New viewers sometimes watch the backlog in no particular order, leaving them with the impression that I’m a genderfluid genderfuck rather than a trans woman.
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Maybe that’s why I cling to this now outdated idea of being “MtF.” I have to coexist forever alongside these videos of me being (to my own perception) self-evidently a man. So it’s comforting to be able to say “I am not what I was.”
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I should just be happy that people still enjoy stuff I worked really hard at in the past. But to me it’s just this nauseating horror, this ball and chain I carry around. A profitable ball and chain, though, so I can’t really complain.
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End of conversation
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The only one I quote to myself is “I like stuff. I’m just a dum-dum who likes stuff”—it cracks me up. But you’ve got a different relationship to your work than a fan, and I’m sorry it makes you uncomfortable
Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. UndoUndo
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