Just saw the Will Smith slap. Anyone have a late night show I can borrow just for tomorrow?
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Conan O'Brien
@ConanOBrien
The voice of the people. Sorry, people.
Conan O'Brien’s Tweets
I can’t remember the last time I was this shocked by an NBC programming decision.
I am absolutely devastated about Norm Macdonald. Norm had the most unique comedic voice I have ever encountered and he was so relentlessly and uncompromisingly funny. I will never laugh that hard again. I'm so sad for all of us today.
I am going back on the air Monday, March 30th. All my staff will work from home, I will shoot at home using an iPhone, and my guests will Skype. This will not be pretty, but feel free to laugh at our attempt. Stay safe.
We should refer to this period in history simply as “The Circumstances.”
In Hobi's defense, Curtain makes about as much sense as being named Conan.
President Trump didn’t pardon the whole turkey, just the white meat.
Can we all agree to temporarily raise the bar for what’s considered an “alcoholic?”
The “Nirvana Baby” lawsuit has inspired me to seek millions from my parents for this picture:
God is looking down on humans right now thinking, “Damn. Maybe I should try dinosaurs again?”
Look, I’m not perfect but at least my obituary won’t say, “and in 2019, he defunded the Special Olympics.”
Trump is already tweeting that Black Friday is the most ungrateful of all the Fridays.
If Trump wins in November, will he blame everything on the first Trump administration?
Someone is suing Canada Dry Ginger Ale because it contains no ginger, so I’d like to formally announce my lawsuit against Panda Express.
Will I understand “House of the Dragon” if I haven’t seen “House of Gucci”?
Trump says Jesus could have avoided crucifixion by taking hydroxychloroquine.
Now Trump is asking Georgia to find a 7th season of Schitt's Creek.
It just cost me $150,000 to fill up my Harrier fighter jet. Thanks a lot Biden.
Nothing stops illegal immigration like flying you to our country’s most exclusive island.
Great—my horse has worms and the pharmacy is out of everything except COVID vaccines.
Face masks should have a reflective surface, so people who aren’t wearing them can see what assholes they are.
Remember, you need to start quarantining TODAY for Thanksgiving, and then keep quarantining, and then not go.
I'm not worried about a second lockdown, because I already know all the best places in my house to cry.
Right now the FBI is Googling how to get ketchup off sensitive documents.
I just called the Emmy people and told them they need to find me 11,000 votes.
Just read a fascinating New York Times piece that claimed I’ve reached my free article limit for the month.
Didn't realize "bottomless" mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
China beating us economically is one thing, but Canada trying to steal our Crazy Crown is an act of war.
Thank you Arnold -- this is the most powerful and uniquely personal statement I've heard from ANYONE on where we are right now as a country.
Quote Tweet
My message to my fellow Americans and friends around the world following this week's attack on the Capitol.
7:38
New drinking game: drink every time you feel anxious and sad.
The White House now says it’s only a recession if you see a salamander wearing a top hat.
I’d like to reassure my fellow celebrities that you don’t *have* to run for governor.
It's smart of Trudeau to hold the election before Halloween, I mean why even tempt yourself?
Trump’s plan to save the environment is to arm the trees with pollution.
Today is Mother's Day. I celebrated by taking my wife to her favorite room in the house and leaving her alone.
I just learned that Tom Hiddleston initially auditioned to be Thor not Loki and that sounds exactly like something Loki would do.
Instead of “concede” or “lost,” what if Trump was allowed to say, “My second term has filed for Chapter 11.”
Bill Tull, our prop master extraordinaire for 28 years, died this morning. We always asked the impossible of Bill, sometimes minutes before showtime, and he always delivered. He was a warrior and a legend. Rest In Peace, Bill, and eternal thanks.
The person who told me Ruth Bader Ginsburg had passed away was my daughter, Neve. I was terribly sad, but also filled with gratitude that my daughter could see first hand how much intelligent, brave women can change the world.
FYI: when you end your talk show to spend more time with your family, you should probably check their availability first
I finally finished a Chapstick without losing it or putting it through the wash. Time to die.
Don’t want to be a downer but so far, this year feels exactly like last year.
I’m puzzled why President Trump hasn’t called the new strain of Covid “The British Virus.”
One thing I’m going to miss about the pandemic is that it finally felt normal to eat takeout in my car while crying.
Kenny G is in my living room right now, and he won’t leave until I answer his three riddles.
Still reeling from ’s very negative Yelp review of Haiti, which means I’ll love it. Headed to Haiti later this week to explore and make some new friends. Stay tuned for my report. #ConanWithoutBorders
Trump was right about running the government like one of his businesses - the employees don’t get paid.
Day 3 of unemployment: Slept till noon because I stayed up late bingeing 90 Day Fiancé.
Still waiting for Donald Trump to be downgraded to a tropical shit storm.
Still processing the terrible news about Taylor Hawkins. Such a wonderful and crazily talented man. Thinking now about his family, his band, and his good friend Dave.
Win or lose at least the Toronto Raptors know they have healthcare.
President Trump just demanded to see Twitter’s birth certificate.
I saw Gilbert perform in 1985 and when he entered to applause he said, “Thank you, thank you very much.” He then continued to say “thank you” repeatedly for ten full minutes. It was the nerviest, funniest thing I had seen. So sorry to lose this sweet and delightfully funny man.
25 years ago today, I put on a terrible jacket and auditioned for Late Night on NBC. I haven't aged a day.
How to get a Netflix special the hard way: do stand up for a decade
The easy way: be a serial killer
Damn you, Paul Rudd.
Hey doctors, how about some habits for a shorter life. Let’s get this over with.
I already knew Kim and Pete broke up because Alex Jones’s lawyer sent me their text messages.
I keep thinking of all the Super Bowl rings the Buffalo Bills would have if they’d stopped the game in the 3rd quarter.
Today, we Americans celebrate our independence from Britain while planning our escape to Canada.
Putting Harriet Tubman on the $20 is a slippery slope to giving other Black women the recognition they deserved a long time ago.
Lori Loughlin is wondering how the Coronavirus got into Princeton and her kid didn’t.
Why can’t a symptom of Omicron be the inability to gain weight after eating 9 lbs of Christmas ham?
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that's only for events over 10 people.
A friend of mine at a bar just overheard someone order a Conan O’Brien— whiskey with ginger ale. PLEASE LET THIS CATCH ON.
A cargo ship full of Porshes is on fire in the Atlantic, threatening our supply of male menopause medication.
I told my kids that at their age I had to watch VHS tapes on school safety, and they said “what’s school safety?”
Idea: we hire Jeff Goldblum to calmly talk this virus into chilling out.
Just think, we’re all just a few billion dollars away from hosting SNL.
All my wife wants for Mother’s Day is two years of alone time.
Donald Trump’s inauguration is expected to be the most costly in US history. And that’s not even factoring in the money.
When I was a kid watching "The Carol Burnett Show," no one made me laugh harder than Tim Conway. What a sweet and effortlessly funny man.
I dream of a day when space travel is available not only to billionaires, but to any person with a net worth of over $500 million.
Years from now, historians will look back on this period of American History and move to Canada.
Sometimes I worry my murder won’t be interesting enough to be on a podcast.
Like everyone else, the coronavirus will regret going to work in that White House.
Just landed in #Haiti and already made some new friends! Follow me all this weekend in real time as I explore this beautiful country. #ConanHaiti
Well, I’ve officially lived a long life because people are excited Germany is rearming.
I heard the iPhone 15 won't have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we'll all be happy.
Movie pitch: Millenials buy a house that turns out to be haunted, but they're just grateful they were able to afford something in a good school district.
Looks like Mike Pence has locked up the white suburban mortician vote.