Conan O'BrienVerified account

Hey Conan here, with some 4th of July grilling tips. Only hire a caterer you trust. Ok enjoy the holiday!

At Costco, standing in the 10 Grills or Less line.

To my fellow hikers: that noise I made when the butterfly came toward my face was a terrified shriek of delight.

Can someone please pass the ketchup? (one of my 21 million followers HAS to be in this diner)

I had a parrot named Brexit who died last year. His last words were, “My passing will cause a worldwide sell-off.” #spooky #weird

Still not sure why, at the end of my appointment, the proctologist gave me a new toothbrush.

I just got body-shamed by my jeans.

Really looking forward to the new Disneyland they’re building on that island of plastic bottles in the Pacific.

Scientists have discovered that people who forgive tend to be healthier than people who don’t. This changes nothing for us, @SteveMartinToGo

Twitter announced they will let advertisers target users based on the emojis they tweet. Bring it on, poop companies.

If Calvin Harris can’t make it work with Taylor Swift, what hope do any of us chiseled, 6’6” DJs have?

Until Mexico has White Walkers, I don’t think we need a wall.

People in Cleveland haven’t been this happy since…wait, this is the first time they’re happy.

To the Dads out there: today and all days, may your Dockers be wrinkle-free.

“Only one more game. Thank God.” – Steph Curry’s mouthguard

I don't know that much about professional basketball, but I know this: it's going to be the Cavs in 8.

Waiting at the vet’s office for my dog to get his shots. Might let the guy in the beard of wasps go ahead of me.

Donald Trump is the living embodiment of an erection that lasts more than four hours.

Let’s get one thing clear: I never joined HYDRA. They held a “free” buffet at my hotel and they made us watch a video but I never signed up.