Conan O'BrienVerified account

@ConanOBrien

The voice of the people. Sorry, people.

Los Angeles
teamcoco.com
Joined February 2010
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  1. 6 hours ago

    For Mother's Day, I gave my Mom a ticket to visit her favorite son. He lives in Florida.

    71 replies 707 retweets 6,678 likes
  2. May 13

    Best street food in Ancient Rome Handsomest guy in the Aztec Empire Longest continuous pee

    78 replies 324 retweets 2,337 likes
  3. May 12

    Dredge: Whether you’re coating something delicious in flour, or looking for a body in a lake, dredge is your word.

    77 replies 462 retweets 3,011 likes
  4. May 11

    A life-size statue of Ronald McDonald was stolen from a McDonald's in New Jersey. Police are on the lookout for someone very sad.

    188 replies 882 retweets 6,445 likes
  5. May 10

    Maybe it’s me, but Mike Pence has that look you get when you realize the gnat is too far down your throat to spit out.

    232 replies 1,700 retweets 10,825 likes
  6. May 9

    Overheard in 2026: “I know of this one man, he’s so rich, he went to a DOCTOR.”

    235 replies 5,795 retweets 21,603 likes
  7. May 8

    Barack Obama's biography is out tmrw. Just getting the word out so I'm not the only one outside Barnes & Noble at midnight dressed as Obama.

    155 replies 1,517 retweets 12,063 likes
  8. May 7

    I blame the Wright brothers for inventing a machine that practically begs you to kick a family off it then later settle out of court.

    113 replies 1,722 retweets 9,946 likes
  9. May 6

    At Starbucks this morning, everyone is on their laptops drafting a healthcare bill.

    183 replies 2,201 retweets 12,882 likes
  10. May 5

    Turns out you can just *buy* a Rodeo Champion belt buckle.

    111 replies 349 retweets 3,143 likes
  11. May 4

    Do you think Henry the VIII and Anne Boleyn liked their celebrity couple name, “Anery the VIIIeyn”?

    87 replies 262 retweets 2,345 likes
  12. May 3

    If I were in prison, I wouldn’t ruin my spoon trying to tunnel out, because going without morning yogurt is its own prison.

    183 replies 1,566 retweets 9,692 likes
  13. May 2

    Do these jeans make my ass look existent?

    254 replies 1,387 retweets 7,723 likes
  14. May 1

    We could end all crime if we just sentenced convicts to lick the bottom of a Chuck-E-Cheese ball pit.

    263 replies 2,540 retweets 11,131 likes
  15. Apr 30

    Took my family to the Renaissance Fair on Saturday; today we are all laid up with melancholy humours.

    122 replies 572 retweets 6,443 likes
  16. Apr 29

    The year is 2052, President Cooterpie has declared war on That Island of Plastic Garbage in the Pacific, and the Stones are still touring.

    185 replies 2,285 retweets 13,600 likes
  17. Apr 28

    Tomorrow on TBS, faces his greatest nightmare: a funny female immigrant with a brain. hosts @ 10/9c.

    120 replies 542 retweets 3,656 likes
  18. Apr 28

    Actively ignoring the guy in the stall next to mine who keeps asking if I want to “see Baby Groot.”

    198 replies 1,402 retweets 9,327 likes
  19. Apr 27

    For my latest , I strapped on a Oculus Rift headset and saw my dim future in VR.

    37 replies 247 retweets 1,016 likes
  20. Apr 27

    Crazy idea, but what if Donald, Vlad, Kim Jong and Xi just like, I don’t know, got a weekend beach house & talked it out. Dennis Rodman too.

    448 replies 2,757 retweets 13,954 likes

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