the only thing stopping ladies from peeing standing up is zipper location
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claire wyckoff
@ClaireWyckoff
comedy writer, performer, content creator. adwoman sometimes. inventor of dickrunning.
claire wyckoff’s Tweets
Dickrunning my way to fit! Please enjoy this historic dick tip and my collection of bootleg Adam Smith baby lullaby tapes
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I dickran Central Park with my baby #dickrunningmywaytofit
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she also won't respond to comment about why she was a dick to megan markle
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shout out to all the marines who worked tirelessly to complete an accidental dickrun of mine yesterday at the . Thank you for your service! I mean pervis
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Wow, I missed running dicks. This felt like old times. Or like the end of Wizard of Oz when Dorothy was reliving her time like “and you were there, and you were there”, only instead of old friends it was a scrotum
Happy to be back (lord knows I have some baby lbs to lose) xox
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I’ve been thinking about getting back into Dickrunning to get back into shape, post-baby. After Other Dickrun Claire-gate I lost some of my mojo. Should I jump back in? Is there a desire for dicks? DikToks??
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Stockholm Syndrome — falling in love with your captor — is just a chaotic way of describing new parenthood. 4 mos old today
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When I sprinkle salt on my food from high above my food instead of just above my food
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Sharks: it’s a baby onesie that says “drugs” so your infant appears to be tripping balls
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Hear me out. An Oscar for best drama in a movie but by drama we mean Harry Styles spitting on Chris Pine
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i'm not sure i believe in god. and by that i mean he may exist i'm just not sure he has what it takes
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At the beach.
Me: I love the sound of the crashing waves.
My husband: it’s like being at the live concert for our sound machine.
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I’d probably pay a lot of money to watch Nathan fielder fuck around with his phone settings for 2 minutes in a Cameo for someone’s birthday
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Sometimes I wonder how many lbs of broken eyeliner tips are living a nice life behind my eyeballs
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I want someone to walk me through the decision to make Ice Tea the spokesperson for Cheerios
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Spending the next 2 mos trying to turn into a tomato sandwich wish me luck
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Referring to people with adhd as neurotypical since everyone I know typically has adhd
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I’m a new parent and whew crate training this baby is hard. Anyone got any tips?
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Gentle reminder. If dudes got pregnant you could get an abortion at the Ford Summer Sales Event
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if cis men got pregnant you could buy an abortion with kohls cash
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825 views
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Seriously, if embryos are people then women w like 10 embryos should claim them all as dependents/kids, never use them but never discard them, and get Child Tax Credits in perpetuity
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emailing my accountant to claim those 2 frozen embryos on my taxes. Love being a mother of 3 with 2 dependents who shalt never become independent SHOW ME THE MONEY until I die
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During childbirth I pushed so hard for so long that I gave myself 2 black eyes. Can someone tell me how forcing women to give birth is not attempted assault? Cause that shit assaulted me
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Childbirth has ruined men’s sports for me. After labor how am I supposed to be impressed by a dude running down a grassy field with a lil ball with all his friends 🏈🏃🤷♀️
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