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Civil War Humor
Civil War Humor
Civil War Humor
@CivilWarHumor

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Civil War Humor

@CivilWarHumor

Matt Palmquist, writer/editor. Connoisseur of the last Civil War. Here's hoping we avoid another one. I block neo-Confed and MAGA.

Barlow’s Knoll
Joined August 2017

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    Civil War Humor‏ @CivilWarHumor 4 Dec 2019

    It’s time for the Annual CivilWarHumor Story About George McClellan On His Birthday (a day late, obvs). This year, it’s a saga of his First Great Campaign, which led to his First Soul-Crushing Defeat & his First Precipitous Retreat. Yep, I’m talking about his marriage proposal.pic.twitter.com/ufTHrVmyQG

    5:03 PM - 4 Dec 2019
    • 65 Retweets
    • 291 Likes
    • Bec Miri's Maxim🏳️‍⚧️ Cory Hollon Colleen Christine Tony Schlangen Audra Kearney Omi Chris Gordon Jessica Sweeney
    13 replies 65 retweets 291 likes
      1. New conversation
      2. Civil War Humor‏ @CivilWarHumor 4 Dec 2019

        Just look at the expression on Mrs. McClellan’s face! If a picture’s worth 1,000 words, Ellen’s is worth a dictionary. “Surely,” you ask, “McClellan didn’t pitch woo as clumsily as he commanded an army in the field?” To which I say: “Buddy, Antietam was a CAKEWALK in comparison.”pic.twitter.com/SrYbp9twUh

        2 replies 7 retweets 85 likes
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      3. Civil War Humor‏ @CivilWarHumor 4 Dec 2019

        It took Ellen six (6) years to say yes after he first asked. No WONDER he loved her! George served under her dad so he went for a direct assault, writing Ellen’s mom that he’d “make a bold plunge” and “win her if I can.” They met, he proposed, and … How do you a facepalm emoji?

        4 replies 5 retweets 70 likes
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      4. Civil War Humor‏ @CivilWarHumor 4 Dec 2019

        Because, like Lee during the Seven Days Battles, Ellen shook her head firmly "No" and ushered George, ever so gently, over a Malvern Hill of the Heart, through a Savage's Station of the Soul, before dumping him into a proverbial James River of Woe. #FallBack #ToTheGunboatspic.twitter.com/KoZMuGtv6w

        1 reply 4 retweets 67 likes
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      5. Civil War Humor‏ @CivilWarHumor 4 Dec 2019

        How did George take the rejection? He wrote Ellen’s mother, and, yes, these are his exact words, and, yes, it’s my all-time favorite McClellan quote: “I succeeded in making a very great blunder & doing a very foolish thing.” Let that one sink in for a minute. #Foreshadowingpic.twitter.com/YFdEErtCZf

        5 replies 6 retweets 79 likes
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      6. Civil War Humor‏ @CivilWarHumor 4 Dec 2019

        Lil Mac realized the problem! It wasn’t that Ellen didn’t like him (she did) but that he pushed “too far & too quickly.” (Smash-cut to Lincoln banging his head on his desk.) So George decided to do what he did best: He called up the siege guns and settled in to wait. And wait.pic.twitter.com/JkIYiFfv8T

        3 replies 3 retweets 79 likes
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      7. Civil War Humor‏ @CivilWarHumor 4 Dec 2019

        But things took a turn. “I hope there is no rascally interloper in front of me that I’ll have to poison or shoot!” he wrote to Ellen’s mom. (dramatic music swells) There was! His name was A.P. Hill -- the future Rebel general. Who was George’s roommate at West Point. #OhShitpic.twitter.com/FH37xHYv6c

        5 replies 2 retweets 73 likes
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      8. Civil War Humor‏ @CivilWarHumor 4 Dec 2019

        Actually, Ellen had many suitors. She was smart & beautiful. But she fell for Hill cuz he was ... wait for it, nerdy nice guys … a bad boy. (GRITS TEETH) Lemme guess: he’s a “bad boy” cuz he likes shitty music & has awful world views & acts indifferent toward you. No, I get it.pic.twitter.com/UXrpJSz0bC

        1 reply 2 retweets 62 likes
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      9. Civil War Humor‏ @CivilWarHumor 4 Dec 2019

        But A.P. Hill stole Ellen’s heart. He proposed and she accepted. Her parents, however, were PISSED. And they were THOSE parents. Ellen’s dad threatened to disown her (not cool) but it was Mrs. Marcy who REALLY put her foot down. Cuz, and there’s no polite way of putting this ...

        1 reply 2 retweets 56 likes
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      10. Civil War Humor‏ @CivilWarHumor 4 Dec 2019

        SHE TOLD EVERYONE THAT A.P. HILL HAD GONORRHEA. (How’s THAT for a future mother-in-law?) And he didn’t deny it, he just said, “Yeah, but it’s probably cleared up by now.” McClellan stood by his friend; he accused Mrs. Marcy of spreading “unpleasant and bitter” words about Hill.

        3 replies 2 retweets 68 likes
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      11. Civil War Humor‏ @CivilWarHumor 4 Dec 2019

        Five years later, Ellen’s dad was assigned to St. Paul, so George invited the family to crash with him at his pad in Chicago, like an 80s rom-com. You know what made it even more like an 80s rom-com? George’s roomie at the time was AMBROSE FUCKING BURNSIDE. (cue air horn) #Partypic.twitter.com/yNhhQq1pHX

        2 replies 3 retweets 70 likes
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      12. Civil War Humor‏ @CivilWarHumor 4 Dec 2019

        (I’ve said this before, but if I were a real scholar and not posting this from a dive bar, I’d definitely write a paper called “Ambrose Burnside Was the Best Wingman of the Mid-1800s.” The guy was a magnet for good times. Take that one, grad students. Thank me in the forward.)

        2 replies 7 retweets 96 likes
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      13. Civil War Humor‏ @CivilWarHumor 4 Dec 2019

        When Ellen’s family left Chicago for St. Paul, George went along and lent them his private rail car (boss move). A little way into the journey, he proposed again. And Ellen, impressed by this new George McClellan -- railroad exec and roommate of that fun Ambrose guy -- said yes.pic.twitter.com/h1I8oFNveJ

        1 reply 2 retweets 54 likes
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      14. Civil War Humor‏ @CivilWarHumor 4 Dec 2019

        It was the ninth (!) proposal she’d received. But Lil Mac’s patience won out. And say what you will, but he loved her DEEPLY. They began the habit of writing every day when apart. And in those letters, which she kept, he was always unflinchingly … himself. For better or worse.pic.twitter.com/k3M1uajSxM

        2 replies 2 retweets 46 likes
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      15. Civil War Humor‏ @CivilWarHumor 4 Dec 2019

        To me, Ellen McClellan is a fascinating figure. He died at 58; she outlived him for quite awhile. But if not for the letters she kept -- which were put into a posthumous edition of his memoirs by an editor -- George would be even more of “a mystery of the war,” as Grant put it.pic.twitter.com/YY1SK4m1vX

        4 replies 3 retweets 50 likes
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      16. Civil War Humor‏ @CivilWarHumor 4 Dec 2019

        They married in May 1860 at the Calvary Church in NY. George called it “the day of his life.” Future Rebel Gens. Joe Johnston and DH Hill were guests. And on warm spring nights at Calvary Church, they tell me, you can still hear the sound of Burnside storming the dance floor ...

        4 replies 2 retweets 59 likes
        Show this thread
      17. End of conversation

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