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I keep getting the sensation that 1 of Stephen Avery's mom's mustache hairs is on my tongue.
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Ever think "damn I wouldn't even be mad if I died peacefully in my sleep tonight of natural causes" but like every night? Or is that just a symptom of my 30's?
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ber Retweeted
if fleetwood mac could write “rumors” on a wild monthslong coke binge while they were all breaking up with each other then i can make it through this week
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ber Retweeted
A t-shirt that says "I'm doing the best I can with extremely limited emotional resources" and on the back there's a dragon skateboarding
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ber Retweeted
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
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ber Retweeted
[tips hat to a heterosexual] m’straighty
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ber Retweeted
"I don't care for her" is how Christian moms pronounce the word "cunt."
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[pulls away from kissing] You walked on my perfect fucking vacuum lines.
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ber Retweeted
If you haven't heard it in a while or are absent of human connection, I love you.
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Today I watched a woman at a desk try to itch her jooter by bam scootin her way around on a computer chair for 30 min.
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It's my 5 year anniversary with "I'm just going through some shit right now."
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My neighbor just played Eric Clapton's "Wonderful Tonight" twice. Poor thing.
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ber Retweeted
PREQUEL: "Goddamned Mohicans Everywhere."
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Not to brag but my mom's praying for me.
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I've had pregnancy scares but the most relief I've ever felt in my life is when the mariachis skipped my table just now.
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ber Retweeted
Someone heated up their leftover mermaid pussy casserole in the office microwave again.
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Heard Adele's new song and sprouted an extra vagina. Just here all sad with 2 of them.
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I'd love to hear about your work crush but I ate a single apple today and need to concentrate on clenching my b-hole.
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ber Retweeted
I named a comet after you. It's called "piece of shit comet"
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