Hey weird contemplative/post rat Twitter! I’ve been lurking for a while on my main, and decided to start up an alt because I wanted to talk more about my experience and feelings pseudonymously.
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Practice really took off in 2017 when I stumbled across Mastering the Core Teachings of the Buddha and other Pragmatic Dharma resources. I made a lot of rapid but ungrounded progress over the next year based on experimental meditation techniques that I came up with.
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In early 2018 that came crashing down. I was trying to brute force my way through processing trauma with insight meditation, and essentially gave myself simultaneously PTSD and Kundalini syndrome. Unsurprisingly my marriage got worse and we did our 2nd round of couples therapy.
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I do want to clarify that this wasn’t a failure of Pragmatic Dharma — I wasn’t following any recommended techniques like noting and explicitly ignored several different kinds of warnings.
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But anyway, stuff got pretty rough. I discontinued meditation and was fortunate enough to find a great therapist who does Somatic experiencing and EMDR, which eventually improved a lot of the PTSD symptoms significantly. Also did some DBT work for getting emotional clarity.
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It’s been a bit of a roller coaster, but things have been on an upswing. Still trying to make my marriage work and unsure of the final outcome. Meditating a bit more again, though not a daily practice.
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I feel like I’ve gotten really good at letting my body act fluidly to vocalize emotions and let out tension. So I mostly just let stuff like crying, hyperventilation, teeth chattering, and shuddering happen, and it seems like it’s reduced my reactivity in daily life.
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In terms of meditation “goalposts”, I feel like I’m pretty far along on agencylessness, but not so far on panoramicity, centerlessness, or luminosity. Weird spiritual stuff keeps happening, and that’s become normal. Progress of Insight-style cycling is omnipresent but low-key.
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Kraj razgovora
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Čini se da učitavanje traje već neko vrijeme.
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