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When a cashier asked me if I'd found everything I was looking for, I took by the hand, looked deeply into her eyes and said, "I have now." Was this wrong?
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Will someone please buy the Kardashian's a box of condoms?
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Silver Lining: A 350 credit score prevents Identity theft! just saying...
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DAY 126 WITHOUT SEX, I'VE LOST THE HEARING IN MY RIGHT EYE
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I hate when I’m walking into the gym and the wind blows me into the liquor store.
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Upside to hurricanes... you might get a free boat delivered to your front yard.
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I don't need drugs to have a good time. But I do need them to focus, avoid depression, survive winter, fall asleep, stay awake, control my blood pressure, calm myself down, and to avoid choking the hell out of stupid people.
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If you call me from a private number I'll respect your privacy and not answer.
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In Florida, people get "I'm still voting" stickers.
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Disappointment is coming home to the smell of fresh baked cookies and finding out it's just a scented candle.
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Is it just me, or is Mike Pence starting to look like a middle aged lesbian?
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If the Earth is flat, then so's Trump's belly.
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One thing I've noticed about posting a lot of jokes is that it prevents me from attending my weekly Orgy Club.
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One thing I've noticed about recent conspiracy theories is that they all depend on the Trump administration being endlessly clever. I think you'll agree that no one in his administration is even clever.
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Florida traffic freaks me out because it's a confusing mix of NASCAR rejects and people old enough to have owned a Model T.
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Not to brag, but the reason I don't go jogging in the morning is because I'd just end up splashing coffee everywhere.
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Just saying, but here are some words and phrases I hope do not appear in my obituary: "Skeletal remains," "Dumpster," "Beyond recognition," "Decapitated, ""Dental records," "Shallow grave," and "Strewn."
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SATIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There coming at us by all ankles an we need to stay ahead of there rapidly evolvfing technostogy. Help are grate precedent!pic.twitter.com/TCTb48mthG
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Good morning, Rocky!
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Things were said. Feelings were hurt. Your car was set on fire. My point is you’re wrong & Raphael isn’t the best Ninja Turtle. Get over it.
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