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  1. Pinned Tweet

    her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*

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  2. america: ayyy australia: g’dayy america: lmao new zealand: lmaori

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  3. Retweeted

    Friend: How was your Australia trip? Me: *disappointed I wasnt able to carry an adult kangaroo in a baby bjorn while they had a baby kangaroo in their pouch* It was fine I guess

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  4. Retweeted

    Vegemite implies that vegemay.

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  5. Retweeted

    Campfires are just acoustic toasters.

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  6. Retweeted
    13 hours ago

    Nobody: Girls singing the American anthem at sporting events: 🎵 and the home of the braaaAAAaaaAAäääáãAAAA ɑɑɑɑɑɑ A AaaÅÃ ᴬᴬᴬᴬ aaaaaaaaa AAAAA AAAAAA aaaaââä ɑɑɑɑɑɑve 🎵

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  7. Retweeted
    13 hours ago

    Crocodile Dundee: you call that a knife? me: yes what do you call it? Dundee: this is a sharpy stabaroo

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  8. Retweeted

    me: how much for that pumpkin farmer: that’s my son

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  9. Retweeted

    australian: didgeridoo me: no i was happy first time

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  10. Retweeted

    an app that makes it sound like you slammed your landline down before ending your smartphone calls

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  11. Retweeted

    Cop: do you know why I pulled you over? Me: *peeking out of kangaroo pouch* maybe

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  12. australian: didgeridoo me: no i was happy first time

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  13. Retweeted
    15 hours ago

    USA: super bowl UK: soup bowl

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  14. Retweeted
    Jan 26

    teacher: you have to make the most of what you’ve been given me, sobbing: *attempts to make a blanket fort out of my student debt*

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  15. Retweeted

    [in a wave pool] me, alone: *waving back*

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  16. Retweeted
    Jan 19

    me: I’ll take this goth pear cashier: that’s an avocado

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  17. Retweeted
    Jan 9

    me: how much for the supermodel camel keeper: that’s a giraffe

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  18. Retweeted
    Jan 10

    [inventing jazz] a me: what if music w s l i k e t h i s

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  19. Retweeted
    Jan 30

    me: how much for the punk melon cashier: that’s a pineapple

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  20. Retweeted

    A Harry Potter themed boyband called Wand Erection

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  21. Retweeted

    Me: I knew JK Rowling years ago. In my own way I like to think that I provided some inspiration for her success Friend: yeah? Me: yeah, we used to keep our nephew in the cupboard under the stairs

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