Opens profile photo
Follow
Brooklyn Decker
@BrooklynDecker
Down for a funky feeling
North Carolinian/TexanJoined April 2009

Brooklyn Decker’s Tweets

Following ‘s lead here, If you need help purchasing gifts for your kids, follow the steps below and I’ll help where I can: 1. Reply to this tweet with an Amazon wish list. 2. Only stuff for kids please 3. Make sure your address is properly registered with your wishlist.
353
3,605
They’re writing a letter to Albus Dumbledore. Hank wants him to know he has muggle parents, but hopes to attend Hogwarts when he’s old enough 😭. He asked if an owl could come take the letter to Hagrid and I don’t know how to tell him all of this is fake and the future is grim.
Image
75
3,242
My toddler has the flu and my baby is colicky... they are both crying and miserable. At the very moment I thought my heart was going to shatter- my stud of a husband walked in with a cup of ice and a bottle of tequila. I'm convinced this is what the gates of heaven look like.
55
2,518
One year ago, this week, was supposed to receive his Hall of Fame ring. Hank got Hand Foot and Mouth so Andy missed the ceremony bc he couldn’t bear leaving him. Tonight he got his ring. Retirement looks good on him.
Embedded video
0:24
41
2,087
I was listening to the baby monitor and overheard singing to our kid... “ Biiig stinky poopy, biiiiig stinky poopy” to the tune of Taylor Swift’s “Big Reputation.” I just felt compelled to share.
21
1,130
For the umpteenth time- because people love to comment on my body (or lack thereof) my children sucked the life out of my body and left behind a bag of bones. I don’t know what else to tell you. I miss my boobs too- I don’t even know what to call them now. 🤷‍♀️
Quote Tweet
What happened to @BrooklynDecker She looked so good in Just Go With It.... Now she looks gangly and where did her body go?? Im confused.
197
1,065
I still like the Nascar rule, can’t remember who thought of this idea, but politicians should have to wear a jacket (like in nascar) with a patch of every. single. lobby. they’re taking money from. You do not get to vote against the best interests of your people for a paycheck.
20
942
Funny how we have to disclose if we’re getting paid to tweet about a freaking Oreo but politicians don’t have the same obligation when receiving $$ to vote a certain way.
17
915
My response to this tweet "God I love the internet" My husband's ( ) response to this tweet, in a VERY serious tone, "Our country NEEDS to invest in EDUCATION"
Quote Tweet
Hundreds of thousands of people have signed on to a Facebook event pledging to raid Area 51 in Nevada in a quest to "see them aliens." cnn.it/2NSZaY5
18
935
If you do anything today. Watch this and please read the comments. I’m pissing myself. @TheEllenShow please have Missy and Funky White Sister on together. America needs this.
Quote Tweet
I just found out I have a FUNKY WHITE SISTER😳😩😂🤣 forreal doe😂🤣& she brought her home girl with her from da hood that keep tip toeing in the background with a plate of food🤣 yo I’m done!😂 but she straight killed “Work It” sound effects & all🙌🏾 I love it🔥🙌🏾
Embedded video
0:58
13
809
My 4 year old just informed me that his best friend (a child whose mother I’ve been close friends with for 14 years) has been secretly hiding sausage under his bed. I told her. She checked. Her son has in fact been stashing sausage under his bed. “For 2 months” he said.
34
716
I've always disliked this part of tennis. After a loss, the player has to sit on a bench alone while there is some weird celebratory pop playing. They have to keep it together, smile for pics & thank the tourney when all they want to do is get outta there as quickly as possible.
36
692
What a historic day for our country. Thank you to every organizer, activist, volunteer, voter, donor (and the list goes on) who worked tirelessly to get our country to a better place. The collective can change the world. Now who’s coming over for a driveway dance party?
28
634
Sometimes, when I’m making my coffee, I’ll mess it up. Not enough cream, etc. but instead of making it right— I just think “Nope. You made your bed now you have to lay in it. You’ll have to do better next time.” And I drink it. Anyone else do this?
59
604
If Lara Trump runs to represent NC in the US Senate, I will run to represent NC in the US Senate. And now that I have your attention, by “I will run” I mean “I will be throwing my support behind “ who has the experience and track record worthy of this office.
Quote Tweet
Bad news: Lara Trump is gearing up to run for U.S. Senate. Good news: So are we. Join us: secure.actblue.com/donate/march_s
Embedded video
0:12
22
605
My almost-three-year-old daughter was in the shower with me— she grabbed a gob of my hair from the drain, looked at it in wonder and said “Wow... it’s so beautiful!” Someone please remind me of this moment in 12 years when she’s calling me the C word.
17
588