Brandon Scott Wolf (indie darling™)Onaylanmış hesap

@BrandonEsWolf

TV Writer | Comedian | The New York Times has described me as “a droll one-liner comic” and my parents have described me as ”our son who doesn’t have insurance”

LA/NYC
Nisan 2009 tarihinde katıldı
Doğum yılı: 09 Haziran

Tweetler

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  1. Sabitlenmiş Tweet
    6 Mar 2018

    A woman on the train kept staring at me and after about 25 minutes she was like "I'm sorry, but you look like my high school boyfriend who passed away" and without missing a beat I was like "Amanda?" and she was like "My name's Rachel"... but imagine if I guessed her name right.

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  2. 3 saat önce

    I need to go to the hospital cause I have been getting beat up for hours now

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  3. 5 saat önce

    Ethan Hawke could be in the Avengers. He has that look.

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  4. 6 saat önce

    I imagine mermaids lure sailors to their death over and over, while mermen fail miserably with women who are just trying to enjoy the pier.

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  5. 9 saat önce

    The best thing about Uber Pool is how affordable it is. The worst part is that the drivers just drop you off in a ditch a half mile away from your destination.

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  6. 10 saat önce

    His name is Hamburger Child

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  7. 10 saat önce

    Move over Shawn Michaels. This dude’s my new all-time favorite pro wrestler based solely on his name

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  8. 25 Nis

    My original Mandarin name is "博文," which used to mean "scholar." In 2019 it means "blog content." This is 100% true and it feels amazing to be humiliated by a 6,000-year-old language.

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  9. 29 Eyl 2012

    "I'm the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit" "Not anymore" New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon

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  10. 24 Nis

    after a romantic walk by the Seine he takes her hand, looks deeply into her eyes, and says, "you have chocolate ice cream, like, all over your face. and some on your dress"

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  11. 23 saat önce

    Does the hat make you think it’s easier or more difficult to kick my ass??

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  12. 15 Ara 2016

    Thinking of getting "You're probably just dehydrated" tattooed on my wrist

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  13. 24 Nis

    Maybe a sign that things will never be okay is the fact I’m 35 and my biggest dream is one day having a washer/dryer in my apartment

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  14. 27 Nis

    I watched endgame and spent the whole time weighing up whether I'd fuck the hulk

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  15. 24 saat önce

    Guess it’s time to start getting into fistfights

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  16. 24 saat önce

    RT if you think you could kick my ass

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  17. 27 Nis

    I CAN’T WAIT TO WATCH AVENGERS: ENDGAME NEXT FRIDAY!! I CAN’T BELIEVE IT’S ONLY A WEEK AWAY!!!

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  18. 27 Nis

    Serial killers eat New York style pizza with a fork and knife and Chicago style pizza with their hands and torture small animals when they’re children.

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  19. 27 Nis

    Just received this email update from LinkedIn. Looks like your boy’s career is TAKING OFF!!

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  20. 23 Nis

    Huge enormous outrageous shout out to the older woman sitting next to me at the cafe drinking a glass of white wine dangerously close to her MacBook, living on the edge, not giving one care

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  21. 26 Nis

    Night after night I eat complete shit at comedy show. Some guy comes up to me after and says “maybe you should try to not eat complete shit” I go home and post “some guy told me to not eat shit....yeah right buddy” then all my friends comment “yas queen” and “ur too real for him”

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