SHEEV: KILL THE GIRL! END THE JEDI! BECOME WHAT YOUR GRANDFATHER ... ... ... VADER ... ... COULD NOT KYLO: thank you I forgot who my grandfather was until now, that explains my outfit and general life choices
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REY: I'm going to the forbidden desert of Hexgarth POE: me too REY: I have to go alone FINN: alone with friends! REY: Finn, you realize you're not Adventure Time Finn POE: Rose, you coming? ROSE: no, unlike the rest of you I know I'm supposed to be practicing SOCIAL DISTANCING
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LEIA, embracing Rey: Rey, never be afraid of who you are REY: Why would I be? LEIA: oh I didn't mean to say you should REY: Kind of seemed implied LEIA: I mean we have heterosexuals here. A lot of them! So it's okay! To be straight! LEIA: or very unrelatedly the child of a Sith
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MEANWHILE KYLO REN: Ape Man, make me a helmet APE MAN:didn't you crush the last helmet I made for you in a fervent rejection of your whole aesthetic KYLO: that doesn't matter now. I feel like some universal force is telling me I need to be able to speak without my lips being seen
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KYLO: General Hux, I sense unease. It's the mask right? Not the decapitated head I'm carrying? HUX: definitely, I have no reason to worry about that REASONABLE GENERAL GUY: but sir, these Sith Eternal seem creepy KYLO: they have Star Destroyers RGG: again, the Rebels have 1 SHIP
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POE: 3P0, you sure we're at the right Podunk desert? 3P0: oh yes, Master Dameron. Master Luke left behind the exact coordinates of Space Burning Man, the only place to find secrets of Rey's past REY: What 3P0: I mean... The only place to find .. coordinates... I'll be going
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REY: I really like Space Burning Man. You think we could score some spice? POE: why would you ask me that? REY: I just mean - POE: THIS UNIVERSE IS SUDDENLY MORE RACIST THAN IT ALREADY WAS
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ALIEN: *doing a ritual with kid aliens* REY: 3P0, what's she saying? 3P0: she is telling them the history of their families 3P0: none of which are Palpatine ALIEN:zee goomba no sarkon 3P0: she is asking what your family name is, and notes she assumes it is not "PALPATINE" REY:yes
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KYLO: speaking of Palpatine, i'm supposed to kill you for him. It's in my quest log REY: You'll probably just win the fight when I hit 1 HP and then we'll have a cutscene KYLO: yes. A steamy romantic one probably REY: I've been told we're just friends KYLO: whaaaat
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REY: but no I mean what if the whole offering hands and Forcetiming and stuff was a healthy platonic relationship KYLO: ... REY: do we have to force the heterosexual agenda on everything? KYLO: I want to kiss you REY: but like, as a friend. A murder friend! It's natural!
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KYLO: you! Female officer! Analyze these arts and crafts I stole from my girlfriend OFFICER: I think you're reading a sexual element in that's just not there KYLO: I'll kill you OFFICER: she's at Space Burning Man KYLO: excellent.
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STORMTROOPER: I've found the Resistance fugitives, while blending in at Burning Man in my fascist armor that doesn't filter out smoke or its effec- *takes arrow to face* LANDO: quick, get in my very slow tank that I brought to Burning Man somehow
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3P0: Rey, this is Lando Cal- REY: 3P0, I've seen the original trilogy! Shut up!
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*chase begins* 3P0: Mistress Rey, it appears that the First Order have reinvented the wheel REY: I'm not sure what you mean POE: he means they re-invented wheels REY: were wheels ever invented to start with FINN: WHO CARES
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Ok, I can't take any more of this movie for today. Will resume thread later
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Existence is misery - Abrams taught me that
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There's no possible way someone could know how to start a vehicle without a key besides being a secret drug dealer, especially not when they're a master behind the enemy lines spy
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REY: look! It's the ship! The ship from my backstory! POE: distracted driving Rey! *speeder crashes and explodes* VOICEOVER:this has been a PSA brought to you by the Distracted Speeder Driving Association of the Galaxy. Even if it's your secret stupid backstory CHORUS:IT CAN WAIT
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REY, sinking in quicksand with literally all her friends: BB8! My one friend who doesn't need to breath! NO! I AM CONCERNED FOR YOU IN PARTICULAR!
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FINN: Rey, I have to tell you something before you die REY: I know, you're gay FINN: don't say it out loud, the idea is I never say it and then it remains deniable forever. Too late now. Guess I'll have to find a heterosexual love interest later in the movie
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SNAP WEXLEY: hi Leia LEIA: the Force is with all of us SNAP: uh, well, I didn't ask, I was just having this entire scene so people remember I and Rose exist ROSE: I exist! LEIA: for the Horde! SNAP: ...what was that sound bite recorded for LEIA: require more vespene gas
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EVERYONE: *pulls out flashlights,looks around carefully but with good illumination* REY: *ignites saber,squints at everything* POE: you know the advantage of a flashlight is you can aim the light at things REY: the advantage of the lightsaber is I can cut you if you don't shut up
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3P0: look, everyone! It's the bones of the Sith loyalist we found out about 3 seconds ago! REY: I see a glowing quest item REY: ooh, a dagger! Not equippable as a weapon, must be really quest critical!
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3P0: the location of the next item is on this dagger POE: and? 3P0: as a device constructed by a 9 year old, I am compliant with all Republic regulations and thus cannot translate it without another fetch quest
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REY: look, a snake REY: It looks hurt. I'm going to heal it REY: that's right guys, Force Heal is a canon ability now. Bam! Canon worldbuilding done! Do you feel serviced, fans? POE: on the downside, we have a healthy giant snake now
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KNIGHTS OF REN: here we are on Shit Desert #3 KNIGHTS OF REN: please note how we came in a transport KNIGHTS OF REN: *a* transport. One (1) transport KNIGHTS OF REN: OR DID WE
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CHEWIE: raaa FINN: Rey's walking alone out into the desert? Why? We have to leave! POE: she has to film a badass scene for the trailer that has no real reason to be in the film FINN: Chewie, make her stop that! And if you get captured, make sure you get in the second transport!
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REY: Oh, it's Kylo, flying at me REY: I'm going to pause here for convenient dialogue insertion. In case this were recorded and used in another context, like a trailer
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REY: *slices wing off of TIE* KYLO: *crashes TIE* REY, psychically: Kylo, why did you do that? What did you expect to happen KYLO: I had to test you. To see if you were radical enough to slice the wing off my TIE.
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REY: couldn't you have had one of your Knights fly the TIE then KYLO:even as a Dark Sider, the Knights of Ren are my students. I cherish them&would feel terrible if one were hurt,or worse,perished as a result of me REY:and if you were light side, even more so? KYLO: ...definitely
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FINN: REY! REEEYYYYYY! REYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! Sorry, just trying out different inflections. Anyway, they got Chewie. He's on the one, singular transport that they have REY: I got this
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