If you caused a specific reaction, knowingly or unknowingly, you still owe it to that person to hear them out. You don’t get to dictate how they feel unless it causes harm to you. You don’t get to silence them because it’s not a big deal to you.
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It’s not a big deal to you, but you are also not the hurt/disappointed/abandoned/etc party! Accept the hurt you caused, apologize sincerely, and make the proper corrections. It’s literally that simple.
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People give apathetic apologies, mislabel your emotions (“calm down”, “relax”), and then gaslight you when you refuse to allow them to cast your emotions aside. And I’m here to tell you, not only is it a low emotional IQ, but also manipulation to silence the offended.
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You want to be better in your (friends, family, lovers) relationships, well that comes at a cost of not always putting yourself and your emotions first. Empathy 101: How would you feel if they did it to you? And people lie to themselves/others when asked the question.
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Separate YOU from the situation. Because it’s not about who’s right and who’s wrong. It’s about who’s hurt and why they are hurt. When you go into a conflict thinking you have to “win”, you’re automatically losing. You choose yourself over reconciliation.
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Telling someone “it’s not a big deal” when they’ve told you it is tells the other person “your feelings do not matter”. You are essentially telling them they are crazy and they should shut up. And then you wonder why you cannot get to a level of vulnerability/connection.
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Purposely ignoring the principle someone is stating, then wondering why they won’t let up or start to get visibly emotional. It is a direct reaction to your gaslighting! They are not crazy! They are not emotional! You just refuse to hear them out and they’re frustrated.
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So the next time you end up in a situation where you’ve offended someone you have a rapport with and they are in the space to actually express it to you, you can do a few things:
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1. Listen with intention. Don’t listen to respond/argue. Listen to what they are saying. How they are framing their emotional body. What exact words are they using? Words mean things.
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2. Repeat it back to them to make sure you heard them correctly and understand their feelings. Don’t chop everything up to being “mad” or “angry”. Negative emotions are more vast.
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3. Apologize sincerely. Do not add “if” or “but” to the apology. Don’t add “calm down” or “relax”. Do not gaslight amidst an apology because it’s now null in void. “I apologize for making you feel _____, that was not my intention.”
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4. And finally make a commitment to improve future dealings with one another. The more you practice healthy conflict solution, the easier it gets. Once you’ve done it enough, you won’t even have to think.
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