Blind Chow

People, it's a flavor based on an Oreo cookie, INSIDE an Oreo cookie

god give me the courage to wear my cyanide capsule ring, the serenity to use it only in a true emergency & the wisdom to know the difference

[taking my final breaths after a freak accident] Tell my family I totes love them *gasping for air* but like, roll your eyes real hard

TWITTER: here are some popular tweets!!! do you want more??? ME: please no TWITTER: fuck you, here's some more anyway u piece of shit

Me: *takes friend to sandwich shop* Friend: *not sure what to order* Me: Ah, you're too stupid for sandwiches, we'll go somewhere else

extroverts love doing cocaine and having fights in sewers, while introverts cry and practice forbidden alchemy. there is no middle ground.

[i see a rat scurry across the floor at a restaurant] WAITER: oh god sir i am so sorry i will get rid of him immed- ME: no. let the rat cook

[Starbucks] INTERVIEWER: Under previous employment it says you were a "medium." What's that? ME: I talk to ghosts I: Oh you mean a grande

A group of drunk white people is called a 'Sweet Caroline'.

[while being tackled by police dog] what's his name?

Cop: Do u know why I pulled–*sees bald eagle in seat beside me* Oh didn't see him there. You can go. Me: America Cop: America Eagle: America

My new band, Red, White & Bro, is so fucking America. We all play the gun: fucking gunfire for forty-five minutes. It's beautiful, man.

Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.

when i think of america i basically picture two guys with guns and one will shoot if he sees a breast & the other will shoot if he doesn't

[At funeral] "USA… USA…" *Stands up* "USA… USA!" *Crowd joins in slowly* "USA! USA!" *Widow jumps up & pounds on casket like a drum* USA! US