Bill Murray

That awkward moment when you see a vegetarian eating animal crackers.

Thanks to M&M ads, I constantly hear tiny screams whenever I eat them.

Considering this is the land of the free, stuff is pretty damn expensive.

From now on if you type, “LOL” you should have to submit a video proving it.

The “Earth” without “Art” is just “Eh”.

Have you ever tried breathing out of your mouth and nose at the same time? Are you trying it now?

If it can’t be fixed with duct tape…then you aren’t using enough duct tape.

Sometimes the smartest thing you can do is play dumb.

What’s that Jennifer Aniston film where she plays a kooky girl who ultimately finds love?

I will stop eating ice cream out of the container once I make it completely level.

I need a sleep button on my body, so I can sleep whenever I want to.

I always bring my phone with me into the grocery store because I’m expecting a very important fake call if I see someone who knows me.

Nothing’s more satisfying than when “the one that got away” turns into “whew, dodged that bullet.”

Why does the person who snores always fall asleep first?

I don’t go crazy. I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time.

When all else fails… Pizza & Beer.

I’m not lazy, I’m on energy saving mode.

Don’t strive for success, strive for happiness.

Do you have those friends where you can’t even remember how you became friends you were just suddenly friends?

If you think it’s necessary to judge me by my past, don’t get mad when I put you there.