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  1. Pinned Tweet
    15 Nov 2018

    Oh! Head Kid has won the Children's Book of The Year Award. How nice. Thanks !

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  2. How lovely. Send her my best. ps can you check on that teddy bear, I'm not sure it's breathing.

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  3. Mistaking. If you’re going to be a racist fuckwit, speak English.

    This Tweet is unavailable.
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  4. It is us. Not, despite appearances, our granddads.

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  5. Retweeted
    14 hours ago

    Finally watching The Trouble with Dad with . Very moving 😞

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  6. Retweeted
    23 hours ago

    Don’t miss the of everything tonight at 9pm on , with , , , Frank Skinner, and .

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  7. Retweeted
    23 hours ago

    See live at this February ! 🐷🐱🐵🐭🐴 A vibrant and gloriously funny from the award-winning , combining physical theatre & puppetry to bring 's comic story to life. 🎟️Fri 22 & Sat 23 Feb 2019

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  8. I’m a famous artist/actor/pop star/politician in a biopic. Weirdly, my life has a pattern, structure and satisfying emotional journey that it certainly didn’t when I was living it.

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  9. Retweeted
    Jan 4
    Replying to

    Hello, I'm a depressed middle-aged man in a boring job in a movie. A series of idiosyncratic happenings that at first seem absurd to me but eventually I completely go with are about to sort out my depression, thank God.

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  10. Retweeted
    Jan 4
    Replying to

    Hi. I’m the driver of a classic Peterbilt truck in a movie, and when I drive towards an out of control car chase or a person in the middle of the road I am unable to brake, and instead must maintain my speed while sounding a very loud horn.

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  11. Retweeted
    Jan 4

    Hi, I’m a stand-up comic in a movie. I’ve just had a major personal event but I have a gig! Jokes I did previously aren’t working, the audience are shifting uncomfortably. So, instead, I talk about the personal event and it all comes out funny! I leave the stage to huge applause!

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  12. Jan 4

    Dear Abu I think it's this one: Delete your account. Thanks, all best D

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  13. Retweeted
    Jan 3
    Replying to

    Hi, I’m a killer in a movie. I always speak, in a “I’m really interested” way, about something quizzical to the person I’m about to kill. I do give myself away by being much to close to them and staring. And also by suddenly breaking off from my quzzical chat and shooting them.

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  14. Retweeted
    Jan 2

    VEGETANLE SAUSGE ROLE? WHATS NEXT GREGS IS JOHN CLOUD YUNKER MAKING YOUR MENUS! I DID NOT DIE IN THE BLOODY FALKLANDS JUST TO WAKE UP 1 DAY AND OPEN MY PASTY TO FIND A GIRL PIG USING THE BOYS TOILET! WITH A BOY HAIRCUT! WHATD NEXT GREGS STEAK N KIDNEY PIES WITH A BURKA ON!!

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  15. Jan 3

    Sounds to me like would be happy to eat the , as long as it turned out to be actually made of vegans.

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  16. Jan 3

    Here's what's actually minced up in the non-vegan sausage roll.

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  17. Retweeted
    Jan 3

    This is out in a week in the UK. Judging from experience it will be greeted either with indifference or with a strongly-polarised mixture of hatred and love. Excited to find out which form of harrowing self-doubt it will be!

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  18. Retweeted
    Jan 3

    Didn't get your fix over Christmas? Us neither! Tune into tomorrow night at 9pm and join for The Big Fat Quiz of Everything with , , , , &

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  19. Jan 3

    Donald makes that old mistake of telling people about an amazing dream he had.

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  20. Jan 3

    From the level of outrage I can only assume Greggs new vegan sausage roll means they’ve permanently discontinued all meat ones.

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  21. Jan 3

    The Sun explains that there is a difference between red and black.

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