It's only Canoodling if it's with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it's just store brand noodling.
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Emotional Support Moo 
@AsclepiasRosa
professional ruminator / gluten-free Canadian noodler * good soup maker * LEGO lover * carbon-neutral tweets * US expat 
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There's never enough bacon in a package to share with anyone unless you want to have sex with them.
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I found a better way to meditate - I talk to the plumber and my mind just goes into a flow state
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Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
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Have you tried doing jazz hands about it?
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Livuary Laughuary Loveuary
- a new Hallmark movie
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Why do people still donate plasma when we don't even make those kind of TVs anymore?
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When I buy Twitter -
Tweets will be called woofs
Likes will be wags
Retweets will be fetches
and
Replies will be licks
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this is how I pronounce 'tequila' after drinking too much of it
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Got kicked out of the zoo for dropping my dessert into an enclosure. It was an accident, but unfortunately it's the pie of the tiger now.
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“With or Without U” is about a Canadian who just moved to the US
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I've been telling people how great I think you are behind your back.
I just thought you should know before you hear it on the streets.
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I am vegan once-removed.
I only eat meat, poultry, fish and seafood that follow a strict plant-based diet.
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I save all the bones in the freezer for the dog.
one day, I'll go to grab food, and there will be nothing but bones.
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Half the crowd is there because it’s their birthday today and the other half are excited about the pancake breakfast afterward
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Why Phil sees his shadow every year.
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Who cares if an animal predicted weather, I am more interested to know if these crying babies are predicting six more hours of flight delay
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The first rule of Boomer Club is that relationship longevity is more important than relationship quality
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My winter blues are just the bruises I have from slipping on ice.
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Canadians prefer to use the word “queue” instead of “line” because the extra “u”s make it sensual
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Q: Where do The Sex Pistols go on vacation?
A: Anarchtica
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Canadians broke into your car...
They didn't steal anything but...
Now it's full of zucchini the size of baseball bats.
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..we need to talk about the elephant in the womb
-- zoo vets, probably
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Me: (with super strength) I'm shoplifting haha
Store manager: Please put us down
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twitter crushes are like: man i hope this deranged tweet makes her fall in love w me 🥰
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My aunt got a divorce and I asked how she felt and she said “I thought I had an anxiety disorder but it turns out it was just your uncle”
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The first “r” in February is like that extra Canadian “u”.
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I always wear a top hat and tails when I make breakfast so my eggs get classy fried.
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What girls look for in guys
—Brown eyes
—Messy hair
—Cute nose
—Four paws
—cat
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Them: so what do you do?
Me: I’m a writer
Them: wow -- you're a writer! would I have read anything you've
written?
Me: are you on Twitter?
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Excuse me Duolingo, I don’t need a second language to embarrass myself in when I already have English
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My Dad told me he'd downloaded Dua Lipa to learn Spanish and I honestly didn't know that was an option
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It’s snowing here again - it’s like Vancouver is demanding to be part of Canada now or something
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Coming this summer, Owen Wilson in his most challenging role yet…
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I make dad jokes at work and people think I'm like 25ish?
So when they order a Coney dog, I ask.if they want it, "Buddhist style?"
Then I wait for them to ask, "What's that?"
"ONE with EVERYTHING?"
And then they don't get the joke.
So I laugh for them.
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My mate keeps going on about how his cat won't stop munching on it's own hair. I wouldn't mind but I get the feeling he's just fur chew signalling.
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Him: the drink calls for simple syrup
Me: *handing him the Cap'n Crunch Ocean Blue Maple* dream bigger
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If you hit your head on a pillow you get concushion
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A spy who infiltrates a poultry facility is an egg plant.
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[at the Mexican restaurant]
Me: do they call them flautas because they give you flatulence?
My son’s friend: my dude, check on your mom. She’s telling dad jokes
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