I'm one year clean today. No deep thoughts to share. Just #Gratitude
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Artie Lange
@artiequitter
Tour, podcast, contact and more at ArtieLange.com
artielange.comJoined March 2012
Artie Lange’s Tweets
I’m officially 10 months clean as of today. I can’t thank you all enough for the love and support.
Great to be home! 7 months 14 days sober but one day at a time. Lots of new stories to tell. Will announce some new tour dates on Friday. Thanks for the support. Love you all.
Woke up clean again. Coming up on 9 mnths. All I can promise is I will be clean God willing 1 more day. If you’re struggling w Heroin try to do it w me. Promise yourself you’ll stay clean. Just for today! I promise it gets better. There’s no bigger fuck up than me. You can do it
I'm not sick and i'm not using (i'd be in jail if I was). Just have crazy anxiety and i'm fighting it hard. In the past I would have just done drugs and gone to work (or cancel last minute) but I won't do that now. Instead I cleared my schedule. I'll be back soon though. Peace.
Happy to announce that I’ve completed the NJ drug court program. Thx to my family and friends and fans for all your support
Exactly 8 months clean and sober today guys. I love u all for giving me yet another shot. You’re my extended family. My amazing fans. One day at a time. Peace.
Bob was so special to me and I’ll be sad about this day forever. Please be kind like Bob always was and consider donating here. It would mean everything to him: national.scleroderma.org/site/Donation2
I’m 52 today. That’s the Freedom Tower in back. Cuz at least for today I’m free from Fuckin Heroin. I love you all!
Guess who’s clean?!! Been clean 18 days! The rehab I’m at let me use my phone to check things. I still have more time here but I’m doing great. I’m humble. Not bragging. Just feel well. Tons of work ahead. Sunrise detox in Sterling, NJ helped save my life!!! They’re great!!
On way back to rehab. Did show. Stayed clean. On way back. Another Thanksgiving inside someplace. Last one was jail. But I just killed for a huge crowd who felt like family. I’m fighting hard. Don’t count Artie Lange out. Love u. Be back by end of month. I’m smiling. Thx
Thanks to my fans for supporting the podcast. I'm so lucky to have you. I've decided to take a break from the show for a bit. I've got 3 years clean, it's not that. I just need more time to focus on health. I'll be back when i'm better and i'll be better when i'm back. Love Artie
If the family of the Jersey City detective who was killed are in need of financial help I am happy to do a free show to support them! This is a real offer. My prayers go out to everyone who suffered a loss. As a proud Hudson County resident I’m saddened by this tragedy. God Bless
Today I’m 11 months clean. How am I celebrating you ask? In an office with Mike Bocchetti.
Just got back from stand up at a private function (what they called it). I did the gig & came home & did not use or drink. I know I look bad from 50 years of a truly unhealthy existence. I’m scarred in every area it seems. But tonight I was clean. It’s all I got! Love u all!!
Breakfast on my balcony. Sitting in my fav state. Looking at my fav city. One day at a time. Peace.
We heard from Artie this morning, HA! -> “It’s true i’m working to satisfy my drug court program. I work with great people. Nothing wrong with a little hard work. Love you all and can’t wait to be back on stage."
Happy Halloween. Like my costume? I’m a 52 year old Drug addict...with 9 months clean. Ha! One day at a time.
I love you fans. Thanks for all the support. See you Monday.
iTunes, Stitcher, YouTube, etc. More details tomorrow.
I took a few minutes in studio yesterday to talk about Norm. Rest in peace pal. Love ya! youtu.be/GV-QAJSi4-Y
This is the best advertisement for not doing drugs I can think of. I sold out Carnegie Hall 12 years ago in 2 hours. This is me at a gig recently. I look like I’m about to announce the winner of the 50/50 contest at a school dance in rural Georgia.
Guys I was at an amazing place getting clean. The Retreat in PA. I have insurance. But I’ve seen kids who don’t who can’t get help. I’ve gotta give back. Starting this Spring I will do 1 or 2 shows each month for as long as I live w all the money paying for one persons rehab!
A quick shout out to all the young comics going through the grind out there. You’re doing great. Keep going.
If I sell an E-Cigarette to a minor is that Statutory Vape? Ha. My offensive corny ass is back bitches. And clean!
2 yrs ago I did a benefit show to help the yr old baby of this couple. She had Leukemia. Emma is her name. The dad was at my gig tonight & found his way to me & got me to shed happy tears. Emma has been in remission awhile & is doin great. Saw a pic of her smiling!Love u Emma!
Thanks for all the requests to perform around the country. For now just scheduling shows within driving distance of home. Got good people around me getting to and from the gigs and sleeping in my own bed every night. Please stay patient, I’ll get to all you fans. Love ya. Peace.
A clip of and I doing a sketch back when he had hair and I had a nose. Can't thank Joe enough for being such a good friend. I'll keep adding a mix of old stuff and new so please subscribe to my YouTube channel. youtu.be/LBHg-bgb9Ao I
NEW DATES! LOVE YOU GUYS!THANKS!
10/4: Cohoes, NY
10/5: Glens Falls, NY
10/11-12: Long Island
10/18-19: Bridgeport CT
11/15-16: Providence RI
1/10/20: Count Basie - Red Bank NJ
Tix: artiequitter.com
I love Howard. As a fan 1st. Then friend. Now fan again. He tried. He hates wasted talent. He works hard & has talent. No talent but hard work sucks. But wasted talent is real bad. I failed him & he about me. Sucks lovin addicts. We fail. To Howard Sorry. Thx. Love ya. Artie
The judge was very fair! But 4 yrs probation is a long time. I am gonna try my best. If I end up in jail for yrs let my life be a lesson to you kids battling Heroin. I had everything! And more. I traded it for powder. Don’t make that mistake. Ur better than that. & I love u!!
2012 I'm golfing w Donald & Manning. Eli & I talked pussy but All Trump talked about was helping African Americans!
Guys I will tweet about this once. Today in court they drug tested me. For the last decade or more they’d have found both Heroin and Cocaine. With the help of in my eyes a miracle legal medication called Suboxen I tested negative for Heroin. I haven’t used Heroin in 41 days...
On another day pass from The Retreat Rehab in Ephrata PA. Amazing Spiritual Place of healing for me. Got another gig in Cherry Hill NJ tonight. I got a surprise Philly. Then I go right back to The Retreat. I’m tryin. My old man said “Artie keep throwin punches. 1 might land”
This is touching. Thank you fans for remembering me and for making time for me.
I’m about to take a big step to help myself To save my life. I’m sure u will hear about it. I feel like I’m not done. I have another run of laughing w u all. I want to thank u fans the way u thank me. U have saved my life. U are special to me. Wish me luck
“Artie Lange is an asshole, but I love him” - Pat Cooper. Love you too Pat. Rest in peace.
Hey asswipes who had me in ur death pool as not making 2019?! It’s me on stage ringin in that very year for an amazing crowd in Bethlehem PA. PS. Go fuck Your Mothers!!
Love being back on stage.
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Artie reached out and asked us to post this for him: Pumping gas and reading Howard Sterns new book, which is great by the way. I read in 2004 Trump interview with me there. I’m reading about the POTUS when a guy yells at me “ yo fill it with regular” lol, my crazy life!
Hey one of my favorite cities on Earth Pittsburgh! I am saddened to see a Pittsburgh cop was killed. I’m glad someone stepped up to offer 5 grand as a reward to the person who catches the scumbag who killed him! I will put up 5k too! So 10k at least! Love u guys
Have to hand phone in. Robbie asked if I knew Chris Farley. For 2 weeks in 1997 we did nothing but laugh in Toronto. Makin Dirty Work. Funniest guy I ever met. I hope he’s at peace. I hope I can avoid his end. Special guy. I will get my phone back when I get out of rehab. 143
Thx to u guys. The greatest fans in the world. I love you all for not forgetting me. To the ones who did. I’m so sorry. I’m a junky. But a recovering one right now
Just saw news about cop killed in NC. Officer Carraway (hope spelling is right) had 30 yrs on job. Awful. If a family friend can contact me and help I’d be happy to come down & do a show for them. Every bit can help. If other injured cops need help we can give what we can. Lmk
Stay tuned for info on a benefit for Scott the Engineers wife Robin. Scott’s a made guy. He needs our help now. I will be headlining. If u knew Robin you’d know why it’s important to help. She’s a doll.
The deal is done. The podcast is coming. Stay tuned for more details. Love you all.
I had so much fun doing The Joe Rogan Experience podcast and making my friend laugh. I’ve known for decades but had never told him this story.
Woke up clean! My nose is fucked. Gotta accept it. But I’m alive & blessed w a gig 2nite & many more. My 3rd season on starts Jan 20! My 3rd book “Wanna Bet?” Is still out. I’m taping my 4th Special at a unique venue & I have the best fans! Life’s Good! 143
There isn't a nicer guy in the business, or anywhere for that matter. So happy he's my first guest since i'm back. See you Monday.
Artie Lange's Halfway House - Announcement 1. The Podcast will be FREE. No, that's not a typo. No paywall. I'm proud of the show and I want everyone to hear it and share it. Stay tuned for more announcements this weekend (including when and where to hear it)...
Stern fans might like to know Sour Shoes and I hung out Friday Night. He called my Probation Officer and as me said I was to sick to come in this week. (Kidding). I love this crazy Fuck!!
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I loved these three guys. They’re gone.
I’m battling Parkinson’s but I’m still in the game. To all of you still alive, disheartened over one thing or another, take a moment to try and be grateful for the chance to still have a life with some joy. 
Look who’s at Sirius. I’m honestly very emotional in this building. I can remember Fred Gary and I getting the tour w Scott Greenstein in 2004. We walked down from K-Rock after a show. Those first 4 yrs here were insane fun times. So many laughs. The end of comedy as I knew it!
Met some fans in NYC & it reminded me of how before things like Twitter etc all u were aware of was how nice ppl can be. Thx to u guys for the positive words I desperately need now. I will be back on AA show Monday. Full time! Needed a bit to get right. Love u all. Artie.
Comedy has been sick for yrs. Today it passed away. Most of u know it as Don Rickles. Get some rest Don. Love, Baby Gorilla.
The person I keep thinking about on my Birthday is . He was great to me. of course as well! Thanks Pete. Crashing was an amazing time for me. Sorry for my chaos. But know I love you. Talk soon.
So sorry to hear about Eric the Actor. He truly didn't care what u thought of him. Which in some ways made him happier than us all. Miss u!
Cmon guys It’s Artie. Come give me a hug. I fucked up again. But I’m a fuck up. It’s what we do. But I’m never gonna give up. Don’t u give up on me’. U fans. Ur all I got. And I’m lucky. Ur the best. Now get over here! Hug me Gnite. 143. PeAce. Out.
Wow I just read this article. Guys I’m so blown away by this concern for me. I do not deserve it. I promise u I don’t mean any disrespect to u all. I want to live. I want to work. I’m so sorry if I cause u to worry. I love u & I hear u. Loud and clear. Artie
I never got to the point where I would’ve called myself a great comedian but I hung out with a couple from time to time.
Amazing hearing Stern fans Talk Stern Show. Most of u are kind to me. I will retweet the bad and good. Remember Howard did more for me than I did for him. Not even close. But a comic knows when stuff works. Those mornings were heaven for me. Cuz I knew it worked. Love u all
I got a standing ovation at a sold out theater last night in Seymour CT. My new material is kickin ass and my loyal old fans are supporting me. They are standing by me thru this Hell. I love them so much. Last night and last few shows have inspired me. Thx guys.
Hey guys tonight I’ll be at the famed comedy cellar / village underground all night . The legendary Estee promised me at leAst one set . Come and see me do a clean and sober set although I could suck but I promise you will be entertained . Love you all
Rumor has it Secretary of State Rex Tillerson found out he was fired while he was sitting on the toilet bowl. Fun fact- according to a top secret source a Cabinet member getting fired while he’s taking a shit is what’s now known as a Trumpkin.
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Can’t wait nick. Love ya pal. twitter.com/NickDiPaolo/st
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Either the screen on my TV isn’t wide enough or the biggest news from theses hearings is clearly that Giuliani Blew everybody
This kid is the kind of annoying that makes me wanna do the direct opposite of whatever he’s in favor of. If he supported a group whose soul purpose was preventing the brutal rape of my cat just to piss him off I’d brutally rape my cat. Of course I would first have to buy a cat.
Thank God for my work. It’s the thing guys like us have that makes us different. I’m a fuck up in every way except my vocation. It’s the reason to stay clean! Then I think of my family, a new girl in my life, the view of Manhattan from my living room & U fans! So Why use?!
I got to hang w Anthony Bourdain several times. We both roasted Mario Batali in 2006 & I roasted Him in 2012. He was 1 of my fav ppl who I kinda knew. But wasn’t close with. He was kind & concerned about me. 1 night we laughed for hrs over pizza in London. Save me a table pal.
I had sex with a a waitress at the IHOP on RT. 22 in 1996 and if I had a rubber I would not have to buy Junior here that Perm!
All you assholes who think I’m washed up should know a show business rule “If you’re standing next to Judd Apatow on the set of an HBO show you’re doin great! Or you are a very skilled stalker”. I ain’t no stalker! Btw I’m in the right. Thx Judd!!
Ok. I am done but Remember u young folk. Push back on this bullshit. You’re gonna have a country w no sense of humor. And then you know what you have? Syria. I’m Syrias. See tve comedy ur missing. Love u all. Love Norm. Peace.
Happy Fathers Day dad. Hope ur w things u laughed with! Cousin Mike & tapes of the Howard Stern Show. U died in 1990. Stern Show changed.For good then bad. I changed too. First good. Then bad. I took care of mom. She took care of me! Stace is our hero! We survived & we love u!
Artie Lange’s movie quote of the day.
It’s important to note that all Artie Lange Movie Quotes of the Day are all totally unrehearsed unstudied and off the top of my head! Anyone nit picking is out of line. This is one thing where I have some integrity. Love u all
And my newest family member Pete the cabby drove me to the cellar. Looked out for me. I’m back. Stayed clean. I pray every night. Talk soon guys. Peace. Artie. 143.
Got texts from Judd & Pete! Im in Crashing yr 2! We're gonna make funny tv! Thx Pete Judd HBO & u Fans! I'm still standin guys.Still here!