Jon

@ArfMeasures

I'm only on season 3 of the news. No spoilers please.

Somewhere
Vrijeme pridruživanja: veljača 2015.
Rođen/a 31. listopada

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  1. Prikvačeni tweet
    31. lis 2019.
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  2. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    prije 1 sat

    Teacher: That region is called Oceania because it’s mostly ocean Me: Makes sense Teacher: The one large island is called Australia Me [crossing out Landeania] obviously

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  3. prije 2 sata

    Cop: you get one phone call Me: ok [Later] Cop *tapping me on shoulder* get extra olives on mine

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  4. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    prije 5 sati

    who called it a voicemail and not a boomer-rang

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  5. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    prije 2 sata

    her: ugg boots really put Australia on the map me: no it’s always been there

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  6. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    4. tra 2019.

    DOCTOR: You've gained a lot of weight ME: I'm getting older and my metabolism is slowing down DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here

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  7. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    14. sij 2015.

    "no rapping tonight" why? "you rap about patrick swayze everytime, it's embarrassing" ok [after one beer] uh oh y'all it's gettin kinda hazy

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  8. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    5. stu 2014.

    N V B K I T H E K L O P F I N V E N T O R Z S F O F T H E E F G H J I O L P L Y Q W O R D S E A R C H H A S J P O D I E D G W

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  9. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    prije 6 sati

    Natalie Imbruglia: doc, nothing’s fine, I’m torn Therapist: care to elaborate? Natalie: I’m all out of faith Therapist: tell me how you’re feeling Natalie: this is how I feel; I’m cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor Therapist: yeah about that

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  10. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    prije 6 sati

    Me: *ugly crying* [The folding process that makes Kleenexes pull nicely from the box one at a time]: for some reason I feel like not being there for you today. deal with this, too.

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  11. prije 6 sati

    Me: Between 10 & 11 p.m. I was having sex Judge: Who are you?! You're not even in this trial Me: I know, I just want it on record

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  12. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    3. lis 2019.

    guy: its beautiful. quick question tho why are their dicks so small michelangelo: they aren’t small lol guy: michelangelo: [nervous] wait are they small

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  13. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    prije 23 sata

    Me: I regret throwing that stick away Guy about to invent the boomerang: say that again

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  14. prije 23 sata

    Me: I regret throwing that stick away Guy about to invent the boomerang: say that again

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  15. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    15. lip 2015.

    ME: honey, it's really muggy out today WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I'm leaving u ME: *sips coffee from bowl*

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  16. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    5. sij 2018.

    [at a street brawl] onlooker 1: fuck him up! onlooker 2: knock his teeth in! onlooker 3: kill him! me: give him the ol’ razzle dazzle! [the fight stops, everyone turns and looks at me. a bus screeches to a halt. two blocks away a bird flies into a window] me: razzle dazzle him.

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  17. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    2. svi 2018.

    Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.

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  18. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    10. tra 2018.

    I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.

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  19. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    4. lis 2019.

    me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now

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  20. proslijedio/la je Tweet

    before guns were invented, armies had to throw bullets at each other and if a bullet touched you, you had to sit out until the next war

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  21. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    1. velj

    Banker: You're sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works? Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes

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