"Just Because You Don't Think You Have a Secret Government Brain Implant Doesn't Mean It Isn't There:" Spokesperson for the National ███████ of ███████ and █████████ Cautions That "Nearly Anybody" Could Be Affected by Security Breach
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Common Signs Your Secret Government Brain Implant May Be Compromised Include Urge to Wire Money to Unfamiliar Bank Accounts, Intense Sexual Attraction to Foreign Operatives, and Sudden Loss of Interest in Music & Talk Radio in Favor of Esoteric Numbers Stations
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Compromised Individuals Frequently Observed Taking Meticulous Notes on Seemingly Everyday Occurrences, Going Out on Long Nightly Walks Alone Without Cell Phone or Any Other Electronics, & Whispering Frantically Into Cufflinks, Authorities Warn
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Unidentified Threat Actor 73's Ultimate Agenda "Unclear," Say Analysts
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Authorities: Civilians Who Suspect Someone They Know May Have Compromised Government Brain Implant Should Write Precise Date & Time of Their First Kiss on Back of Paper Napkin & Hand It Nonchalantly to Member of Biker Gang at Nearest Dive Bar
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