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[Barf Alert] Pope Francis Gives Away Relics of St. Louis Police Officer Accidentally Tased by Partner
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SOCIETY: Ælborán Hognotch, Thunder-Lord of the Slakeless Seas & Father Eternal of Atlantis Reborn, Criticized for Encouraging Elon Musk's Twitter Takeover
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Illuminati Ambassador Presents Biden With Copy of the Pseudaria, an Ancient Book of False Mathematical Proofs Long Thought Lost to Antiquity
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Profiting From the Marxists
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"I've Already Seen All Your Nuclear Secrets, And I Have To Say, I'm Not Impressed:" Foreign Ministry Spokeswoman Zakharova Dismisses Allegations Russians Using Advanced Psychotronics to Extract Critical Intelligence from Highly Intimate Spiritual Exchanges Between God, Faithful
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EXCLUSIVE: Inside Source Reveals Vatican Under "Extreme Pressure" from White House to Retire God "As Soon as Possible," Due to "Newly Urgent" Threat of Christian Prayer Leaking American Nuclear Secrets to Russian Psychotronics Teams
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Mayor Declares State of Exquisite Misery
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Experts: Blood Moon Eclipse Will "Dramatically Magnify" Potency of American Votes, But May "Somewhat Complicate" Vote Extraction Procedures
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In "Rare & Auspicious Conjunction," Blood Moon to Eclipse the Sun on Election Day
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Inside Sources: Company CEO Wilhelm Duskwright-Ravensworth III Has "Barricaded All Entrances" to Sam Haim Discount Thaumonics Corporate Headquarters, Is Presently "Handing Out Powerful Amulets" to Employees & Feverishly Muttering "I Knew This Day Would Come"
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BUSINESS: Vril Magnate Clark Henry Wilhelm Sinclair Attempts "Hostile Takeover" of Sam Haim Discount Thaumonics
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Troupe of Hypnogoblins Caught Attempting to Infiltrate Community Theatre in Long Hog, NJ, But Narrowly Escape Immediate Devourment by Slavering Constables By Means of "Literally Mesmerizing" Song-and-Dance Routine
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This is what happens when the Dept. of Homeland Thaumaturgy starts involving itself in decisions by the Securities & Exchange Coven. The lines between business and "business" start to blur...
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And they even dismantled the reserves!
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150 kilograms of acorns stored by a squirrel in a transmitting antenna.
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SCANDAL: Biden Has Reportedly "Misplaced" Box of Magic Teeth Passed Down from President to President Since Time Immemorial
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Inside Sources: Company CEO Wilhelm Duskwright-Ravensworth III Has "Barricaded All Entrances" to Sam Haim Discount Thaumonics Corporate Headquarters, Is Presently "Handing Out Powerful Amulets" to Employees & Feverishly Muttering "I Knew This Day Would Come"
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BUSINESS: Vril Magnate Clark Henry Wilhelm Sinclair Attempts "Hostile Takeover" of Sam Haim Discount Thaumonics
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Troupe of Hypnogoblins Caught Attempting to Infiltrate Community Theatre in Long Hog, NJ, But Narrowly Escape Immediate Devourment by Slavering Constables By Means of "Literally Mesmerizing" Song-and-Dance Routine
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"Purely Biological Efforts Have As Yet Proved Disappointing," Says MIT Professor of Applied Theology Presley Dalrymple: "The Most Impressive Specimen So Far is a Stag That Can Walk on Water For 30 Seconds at a Time & Manifest Small Electric Arcs Between Its Four Antlers"
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Experts: Excelsior Theodynamics Taking "Hybrid Approach" Between Nameless Corporation's Project to Construct a God From Commercially Available Parts & Attempts by the Silent Rite of the Many-Antlered Deer to Cultivate Divinity Through Breeding Programs
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"We've Learned A Lot About Divingeneering & Theogenetics Since the Before Times," "Modern Solutions to the Problem of Evil Allow for Truly Superior Holiness Throughput:" Excelsior Theodynamics CEO Waylon Wainwright Expresses High Hopes for "New Generation" of Celestial Architects
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Seeking to Capitalize on Impending Shutdown of God, Ambitious New Startup Excelsior Theodynamics Announces Plan to Launch "Fully Modernized" Reconstructions of Prechristian Classical Deities
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"The LORD Our God Has Been in Continuous Operation for Over Two Thousand Years At This Point," "He's Starting to Show His Age:" Vatican Spokespriest Recomends Practicing Catholics Transition to a "More Modern, Higher-Performance" Deity At Earliest Opportunity
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Cardinals: His Cosmic Holiness the Most High Creator of Heaven & Earth Will Remain Available to Answer Prayers & Smite Evildoers Until Saturnalia 2024
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Vatican Deprecates God
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Report: Most Parents Hope Their Child Will Grow Up to Become "Racist Youtuber," "Wagepit Automaton," "Lackey," "Orb Supremacist," or "Kidney Donor"
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SPONSORED: 9/10 Doctors Recommend Passively Accepting Your Fate — The Remaining Doctor Cannot Hide Forever
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Disabled Canadians Are Opting for Assisted Suicide Bomb
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REMINDER: Help Dozens of Vast International Conspiracies Vie Frenetically For Your Fleeting Attention — Donate Now to America's Premier Source of Approved Propaganda & Disinformation, Certified Uncontaminated Since 19██
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Pressed for Comment, St. Claudine Michaelides, Living Icon of the Sevenfold Church of the Congregating Shadows, Tries to Buy Cursed Fairy Heroin From Reporter
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Woman Dies After Falling Off Scooter Driven by "white Supremacist Violence" (Trump?)
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Report: Hottest Faiths of 2022 "The Ancient Ways of Tooth & Sickle," Atlantean Neopaganism, Hidden Cult of the Whispering Moon, Blood-Soaked Maidens of the Cold Sword, Vigil of the Weeping Void, & Sevenfold Church of the Congregating Shadows
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"A Nightmare Eternity of Ceaseless Fiery Torture Just Doesn't Scare Anyone Who's Sat Through a New York Traffic Jam:" Abrahamic Faiths "Losing Appeal" to Many Americans, New Study Reports
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REMINDER: Help Dozens of Vast International Conspiracies Vie Frenetically For Your Fleeting Attention — Donate Now to America's Premier Source of Approved Propaganda & Disinformation, Certified Uncontaminated Since 19██
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It's Okay to Drink Urine, Eat Bugs
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Girl, 17, Dies After Receiving Nachos With NO CHEESE
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Department of the Blindingly Obvious Issues Emergency Press Release
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You Should Never Have Existed
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