Anti-Joke Cat

What do you call Santa Claus with a mince pie up his nose? Pissed.

How do you kill a blonde? Irreversibly damage her vital organs to the point where she loses consciousness and will never wake again.

Knock knock. Who's there? The postman. The postman who? Look, do you want this parcel or not?

What do you get when you throw a hand grenade in a French bathroom? Imprisonment up to 15 years in an international detainment facility.

How many lesbians does it take to change a light bulb? One, unless she's too short, in which case she may get someone else to do it.

What did little Timmy want for Christmas? Parents.

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Finding a worm in your caramel apple, which usually costs you that little bit extra.

Two muffins are sitting in an oven. One muffin says to the other, "It sure is hot in here!" The other muffin says, "Yeah like 350, 375."

What did the taxi driver say to the black man who climbed into his cab? "Where to, sir?"

Bob: Hey Jim, if you were a caveman, you would die. Jim: Why? Bob: Because everybody dies.

Why did the waiter put rubber bands in the soup? Because he wasn't a very good waiter.

A daring man proclaimed, "Well, here goes nothing!" And nothing happened.

If olive oil is made from olives, what is baby oil made of? Mineral Oil, Aloe Vera Extract, Vitamin E, Acetate, Fragrance.

What did the Jew say to the cashier who had forgotten to give him his change? "You forgot my change."

Hey, the eighties called. They were really excited about inventing a phone that could call the future.

Roses are red, Violets are blue, But roses can also be white, And violets should be purple.

Opinions are like assholes. They're both nouns.

What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college? Use a condom.

Why is six afraid of seven? Because seven is a registered sex offender.

What do you call an Indian man with 5 corner shops? An entrepreneur.