Harbinger of Mundane

A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar. There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.

After tonight, it is clear that I am the frontrunner. We are going to build a roof over the entire United States and the Canadian geese are going to pay for it. I'm also going to call donald trump a daughterfucker to his face during the debate. Thank you Iowa. Seriously wtf.

Please pray for my wife. She's in the ICU for unintended overdose. She's on a ventilator.

Got a lot of comments about how I didn't address how Shakira and Jennifer Lopez were costumed in the show. *checks list of things I don't do* Yep, telling a woman how to dress is on there.

Just smoked a few blunts, a few bowls, and drank a third of Hennessy. Gonna go take a shower and cry now.

Sometimes, just a gesture from another can raise your spirit.

Helicopters are the motorcycles of the sky.

What do you call a guy who doesn’t go down on you? You don’t.

You’re either a banana, a piranha or a piñata. No exceptions.

Get high and get the hell over it

Nice try, lady. But ain't nothin gunna breaka my stride

I have 10 pillows on my bed so when a lady comes over I'm just like "Sorry, no room for you. Stop trying to touch my penis and go home now."

How is it that they make the campaign season 300 years long but demand the vote be counted so quickly that it requires an app? Count the voters and add up the results on paper, you ding-dongs! The media can wait. Accuracy is more important than speed!

I like older men because guys my age dont do that thing I like.

Some days I wake up ready to tackle the world, some days I feel so insignificant that I question why I’m even here, I get mad at myself for this, I push people away and that makes me feel terrible, I want to give all my love, but sometimes I have nothing to give..