Your drill down on the complexity of the issue made my brain ache. If it was theoretical, interesting stuff but I am conscious this is your living breathing life. The glimmer of light is like you say, it is down to two people.
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It’s a really complex thing in any relationship. I’m in total agreement about outside and inner ‘beauty’ too. The most outwardly attractive can be the ugliest people. For me it’s a chemistry and understanding that makes it special. That can be really attractive.