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When I turned 21, my relatives tried to match me with someone in my family tree who would be like an uncle (eww). My parents felt too weak to protest (something they regret now). For an entire year, there was relentless pressure. My staunch refusal seemed to have no impact
Some nuggets from guy: Don't do #PhD it doesn't pay. I am not asking for dowry (so you should be grateful). You won't find a better guy than me. Most guys who go to the US are not virgins (but I am). Women mature earlier so you are not too young to marry
When I refused to marry, my relatives suggested to my parents to confiscate my passport so that I cannot travel to the US. My parents finally gave in, but for years, I could not trust them because I felt they let me down. I know they were under enormous pressure from community
Coming to US was a great escape. I missed many of my friends' and cousins' weddings in India because I was too afraid to go back and be subjected to humiliation and pressure all over again. Even my parents stopped attending events because it was too much.
When I turned 27, my parents placed an ad in a community magazine without my knowledge. I was furious. I was already under so much pressure preparing to be a faculty and didn't need it. Thankfully, by then, I was deemed too old.
Those who answered ad advised my parents to let me go because I was too old, too qualified. They said they cannot have a daugther-in-law who is too educated and westernized (even though their sons went to similar universities). My mom realized that this system is not right for me
Recently I attended weddings of my brother and cousin in India. People kept enquiring about my happiness and lamented that I am not married. Someone who didn't know me tried to set me up but when my parents revealed my actual age, he tried to slither away. Growing old is great!
I was one of lucky and privileged ones. My parents are liberal and open minded. They came around and resisted pressures. Ultimately they fought community they live in and tried to change people's minds. Now they are proud of me and support me wholeheartedly.
so much has changed for the better in a decade. Numerous inter-racial and inter-caste marriages in my extended family. One of my cousins is queer and out and people have accepted that. Change can also happen quickly. We have to remain hopeful.
Craziest thing around #IndianMatchmaking is how much I dreaded it even as a kid. I had a dream when I was just 7 about being forcibly married off to someone I didn't like! This is much before anyone had brought up issue of marriage with me. So much sexism was inbuilt in system.
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