Monsieur L'ours

My lack of depression stems from my having a terrible memory, lol ~ @TurboToaster

That feeling you get after reading a long ass article only to find out that the article is actually a transcript of the video segment below.

Just ate a pint of jellybeans before bedtime...I wonder if it will improve the scent of my morning gas. So excited!

I was warned that if I drink my own breast milk it will create a paradox and destroy the universe.

Can you get AIDS from eating poop?

Caught myself accidentally pinching my nipple whilst getting tattooed again...

Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. Moral: Don't fart while sitting naked on a leather couch.

I think I'll start referring to number two as derailing a train...

Mixed feelings about arriving home from work early and finding my kitty licking peanut butter off my girlfriend's genitals...

Just took some melatonin. Future, here I come!

Just tried out a coffee flavor for my eCig...interesting, but what's next? Cigarette flavored coffee? Tried that once. By accident. No good.

I think I might like to date a schoolteacher some day...if you do something wrong, they just make you do it all over again...

IT'S...A...BEAR....AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

If I pinch the top of my ear in just the right place, I can feel it in my lower shoulder blade. Does this mean I'm a queer?

Don't you hate it when you go to a wine and cheese party and the only girl who gets naked, bound and whipped is some stinky fat chick?

From this point on I aim to apply Zeno's Paradox to the manner with which I use toilet paper.

Why do relatives' restrooms always smell like shit and peppermint toothpaste?

Don't you just hate it when you're almost done brushing your teeth and you go to brush your tongue and you barf all over the sink?