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  1. Prikvačeni tweet

    About once a day I think about the dream I had where me, , , and had a show where we travelled the country hunting ghosts together whilst gave us information and directions from a van somewhere.

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  2. A boy and his dog story but it's me and an amazon drone searching the wasteland for somewhere to vibe.

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  3. Two absolute babes talk about dolittle. Perfection.

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  4. Just ate half a packet of Swiss cheese slices before bed. Ready to have some nightmares.

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  5. If you think for a fucking second I am thinking about what my upcoming week looks like when I click 'attending' on your event then you're a stupider motherfucker than I thought.

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  6. The devil, against his better judgement, snaps his fingers and gives me the ability to put an entire fish into my throat and pull out only the skeleton like a cartoon cat in exchange for my immortal soul and an eternity in hell.

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  7. I think the last thing left to fuck is probably a bee hive. For humanity I mean. 2020.

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  8. I get to hell and discover that's where all the dinosaurs went. (They made love wrong and badly and God punished them)

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  9. Today I saw a big red onion on the road after a heavy rain and I'm gonna be thinking about the world where I cooked that mystery onion for at least a week. Have I ignored another sign from god??

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  10. I lie still in my death bed, my children gathered around me waiting eagerly to hear my last words. After a deep breath I finally speak: "I think what I'll miss most of all is pissing," I say as my children begin to cry, "also shitting. Oh and throwing up was good too."

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  11. Cats ruled. Every Cat was so fuckable. How'd they do that???

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  12. "Well if it ain't Jackson "Quickdraw" Baly," spits the crusty old sheriff as we stand across from each other, hands wavering above our six-shooters, "I heard you started laying chicken eggs out of your human asshole because of a witches curse."

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  13. Constipation be like: guess I'm not shitting today 🤷‍♀️

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  14. And the last letter to fly out of the goblet of fire wasn't a name at all, it was, instead, a crude drawing Jackson had done of Ron Weasley sucking on his rat like a lollipop with the caption: "this is you". How it had made its way into the goblet is anyone's guess.

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  15. How sick would it be if Ricky Gervaise just shut the fuck up?

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  16. If I ever see a horse with a gun in it's mouth I am immediately taking off my pants and putting them on the horse because our time is up and it's their time in the limelight.

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  17. I had such a good time on this!Listen as we discuss one of my favorite films ever and also, of course, farting.

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  18. Now that it's 2020 I'm going to find the witch that cursed me and get her to turn me back into a dog.

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  19. I'm just so happy is finally going to experience my Game of the Year: 1998's Turok 2: Seeds of Evil.

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  20. Me in star wars: stays absolutely and perfectly still and fades into the background because hoo boy. Nah JK I get my asshole hammered by yoga or whatever.

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  21. On this Christmas eve let's all remember that I, Jackson Baly, born september 29th 1991, am fucking Mrs. Clause behind Santa's back as per my last tweet. This is Christmas canon. The tree, the north pole, elves, and this.

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