The Legendary Dragon Alephwyr, named Alephwyr, BA

In the first session the psychologist spoke with my mother and I simultaneously. It was intimidating for me to be outnumbered by adults in the room 2 to 1. He didn't listen to me much, hardly asked me any questions, spoke mostly to my mother.

This was many years ago so my memory is fuzzy about the specifics but I remember distinctly feeling alienated and uncared for in that setting. That the psychologist was trying to figure out how to please my mother, rather than how to relate to me. She was paying him after all.

The second two sessions were just me and the psychologist, my mother would wait outside, or go do some shopping and come back when the session was complete.

It's very difficult for a confused and anxious 11 year old boy to sit in a room with a stranger and know how to say anything about how they're feeling. Children of this age don't have tremendous introspective abilities anyway, but especially not when nervous like this.

I remember feeling an intense dissonance and mismatch between us. It became very clear to me, as a child, that I was not dealing with someone who cared for me in any meaningful way. He was there to do a job: satisfy the concerns of my school district vis a vis my mother.

there was never the possibility that actually I was fine (for whatever that means for me), and that the environment was toxic. it was always that I was a failure and a disappointment. That my inability to easily adapt to a toxic environment was a problem that they had to solve.

while there was no violence or coercion involved here it had the feeling of being bullied, criticized, and alienated. being told I was not good enough and needed to change because adult authorities didn't like me and found me to be a problem.

this psychologist had taken cases like this before. understood his business model as being about coaxing children to resist less, accept the system more, calm down and cause less "trouble" at school.