I’m a very suspicious person. Last year I wished everybody a happy new year and look what happened. So this year, from the bottom of my heart, fuck you.
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Albert Brooks
@AlbertBrooks
Filmmaker, actor, author Albert Brooks. Originally joined Twitter to promote my book. Now trapped. Can't get out. Help. amzn.to/gUl6Fb
Albert Brooks’s Tweets
Today was in an historic day. Donald Trump finally proved there was voter fraud. By him.
R.I.P. My dear brother Bob Einstein. A great brother, father and husband. A brilliantly funny man. You will be missed forever.
If I handed in a 500 page script with notes scribbled on every page it would take someone 3 weeks to even read. The tax bill that will affect all of us for the rest of our lives was exactly that and approved in one hour at 2:00 a.m. Shame on you who represent us.
R.I.P. William Hurt. So sad to hear this news. Working with him on Broadcast News was amazing. He will be greatly missed.
Trump announced today that he will run in 2020. Robert Mueller said, "If I were you I would run now."
This is literally insane. The fire in So Cal is not a forest, its downed power lines and 70 mph winds. And most of the forest in California is federal land, of which you have slashed the budget. Why don't you stay in Paris, just a thought.
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There is no reason for these massive, deadly and costly forest fires in California except that forest management is so poor. Billions of dollars are given each year, with so many lives lost, all because of gross mismanagement of the forests. Remedy now, or no more Fed payments!
Trump got a very nice note from Biden today. It said Stay Positive.
R.I.P. Carl Reiner. Growing up Carl was like a second dad to me. He was the greatest. Not just as a comic legend but as a man. There was no one else this funny and this nice. I loved him.
Trump said in his CPAC speech that Biden has undone all of his achievements. It’s true. Covid is down, people aren’t attacking the Capitol, we’re acknowledging science and we’re not reading daily hate tweets. Miss ya, buddy.
Dr. Fauci made the unforgivable mistake of telling the truth today. Now Trump is hinting at firing him. That's okay, Ivanka took an online course in immunology. We'll be fine.
I just read Trumps latest tweet. I had no idea Biden wanted to abolish suburbs, canned food, oxygen, children, dogs, Wednesday, marriage, peas, crying, shoes and whispering. I'm very worried.
Another tragic school shooting. 18 just this year! Hey Congress, your thoughts and prayers aren't working. Try something else you cowards.
R.I.P Rip Torn. He was so great in Defending Your Life. I'll miss you Rip, you were a true original.
Trump said today that if he's impeached the markets would crash and everyone would be poor. And they'll be pimples growing out of places you never knew you had and your dog will attack you and Jesus will not come back. Plus food will taste worse and no more candy.
Haven’t tweeted for a while and have never felt better. Although I do miss writing stuff for free and still being horribly criticized.
Goddamnit. I can't stop thinking about this. It's heartbreaking. Our leader is saying fuck you to every intelligence agency we have and siding with the enemy. It's that simple and he should be removed.
I like Jon Voight as an actor. He might be the greatest actor since John Wilkes Booth.
How can Trump refuse to share Covid data with the Biden team? How is this even allowed? We are letting an angry 6 year old ruin our lives. I can’t fucking stand it.
R.I.P. Charles Grodin. A brilliant comedy actor. I had the wonderful experience of working with him in my first feature “Real Life” and he was amazing. Rest In Peace, Chuck.
Just got back from the QAnon inauguration of Donald Trump. Lovely event. The Martians especially enjoyed it.
The president doesn't like what reporters say about him so he comes up with a new idea: accuse them of murder. Only one republican in congress was brave enough to say that's fucking insane.
A lot of people are going to hell when this is all over.
Listening to Trump continuing to trash John McCain is truly disturbing. The guy was locked up in a cell and beaten within an inch of his life while you were on a yacht nursing your bone spur. What’s the matter with you? He’s dead for Gods sake.
Maybe, just to air on the side of caution, we take the nuclear football away from Trump until he’s finished with the steroids.
Trump said he wasn't kidding. He wants fewer tests so we don't show more cases. Great idea. How about no weather reporting so we don't have hurricanes. Or no doctors so we don't get cancer. Or no Trump so we have someone who is not completely batshit crazy.
If I were Rudy Giuliani I would stop with these bullshit lawsuits and spend my time suing Just For Men.
Saturday night! My wife and I dressed up and went into another room.
I have never in my life been so happy about something that happened in Alabama.
Could imagine one person who wrote the Constitution seeing what we have done with guns and saying “Good. That’s exactly what I meant.” I fucking doubt it.
Today I sent Mark Zuckerberg my entire medical history just to save him some time.
In awe of Kendall Jenners bravery. To admit you use a zit cream is right up there with Rosa Parks and Nelson Mandela.
Debbie Reynolds, a legend and my movie mom. I can't believe this happened one day after Carrie. My heart goes out to Billie.
The marches today worldwide are simply unbelievable. Never seen this kind of thing since the Vietnam War. Amazing.
I’m sitting here this evening reading the news seeing that Trump, going against his entire government, is denying Russia had anything to do with this unprecedented hack and I’m now convinced we have the Manchurian Candidate in the White House. I’m not joking I now believe this.
Just got my first tattoo today. “Truth isn’t Truth” looks really good on my ass.
When Trump tweeted “I am a very stable genius“ this morning the 25th Amendment literally jumped out of the Constitution.
R.I.P. Norm Macdonald. I never got a chance to know him but he made me laugh so many times with his brilliant wit and delivery. Comedy lost a great one today.
R.I.P. Mort Sahl. Most young people have no idea who he was but he was one the few comedians who yanked comedy out of vaudeville type humor into the modern age. One of the very first to just talk to the audience. We’ll miss you Mort.
I'm retweeting this because my brother was so funny in this scene.
ow.ly/4Vbm30nazH1
Also, if you'd like to leave any comments for his family you can do it here
You gotta be happy for Tom Brady. The guy has had nothing but bad luck his whole life and it’s nice to see him have one happy moment before he retires.
Say both these guys were your dad. Who would you rather come out to? Vote for that guy.
R.I.P. Carrie Fisher. A brilliantly funny, talented woman. We will miss your humor now more than ever.
Happy Father’s Day. If you have little kids and they won’t do what you want for $1200 I will call and yell at them as Marlin.
Thanks. And on your way out if you want to kill somebody it would help me a lot.
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30 years ago TV changed for the better! Thanks for the laughs @TheSimpsons and thanks for @AlbertBrooks as Hank Scorpio! Still my favorite episode #TheSimpsons
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That burst of optimism I get from my first cup of coffee gets shorter and shorter.
Note to the White House press office: Please don't run a presidential message on MLK day Monday. Please don't insult us further. Just let him play golf and eat.
The founder of IKEA died today at the age of 91. I will not make a joke how long it took them to put together the coffin.
Trump was so pleased with his meeting with Kim Jong Un that he announced the United States will now hold peace talks with Canada.
When Donald Trump was pressed today to respond to the Saudi Arabia accusations he actually said “Here we go again, guilty until proven innocent, just like Kananaugh.”
I give up. I don’t know what to do. I’m scared shitless.
Trump says if it wasn’t for Calif. &
New York he’d of won by 3 million votes. If it wasn’t for gravity I’d be on the ceiling.
Watching Donald Trump’s hour long rant against the news. I don’t say this lightly but this guy is mentally ill.
I was missing Trump’s tweets so to duplicate the feeling I put my nuts in a vice.
I’ve been very critical of Donald Trump but if he can work something out with North Korea I think Mueller should take off at least five years from his prison sentence.
I was thinking about that A-hole who yelled "you lie" to Obama during his State of the Union. I wonder if the whole congress is going to do that in unison tonight.
The silence of Republicans in congress after their president basically sold the United States out makes me think Putin has a tape of all of them peeing.
Anthony Kennedy to retire from Supreme Court. Let’s pray to God Putin appoints someone reasonable.
Because of tonights horrible Oscar mistake I have retained a lawyer to see if I won for DRIVE.
I never thought the day would come where I felt sorry for the guy who was head of Exxon. My only advice Rex is to make sure the word moron is somewhere in your book title.
Can you even imagine what Trump would call Obama if Obama only paid $750 in income tax, deducted 100 grand for hair, and had a 400 million dollar debt. It boggles the mind.
Taxi Driver came out 45 years ago today. And we still don't have an answer to "are you talking to me?"
I don’t have a strong opinion on horse racing but today the 28th horse died at Santa Anita just this year! Close that death trap down.
Dear World,
Your guess is as good as ours.
Best wishes,
The United States.
Watching Trump just now basically saying that all of America is stealing this election from him, that people tallying votes are crooks, that Detroit and Philadelphia are too corrupt to even count votes. It’s heartbreaking. He will burn this country down before he leaves.
R.I.P. Allen Daviau. Allen was the brilliant cinematographer on Defending Your Life. He also was a legend for other films like E.T., The Color Purple,, Bugsy, and on and on. He passed yesterday from Covid-19. He was truly one of the greats in his profession.
Twitter says 350 million passwords were stolen, so anything unfunny isn't me.
Weapons of war used in department stores in America. Will it ever stop? Congress doesn't even try anymore, it's thoughts and prayers and back to the same fucking thing. So goddam depressing.
The saddest thing about this tax fraud is all the programs that help kids and poor people and education and health and everything important they will now cut to make this fiasco work.
I'm shocked reading what Trump has said about the military. But give the guy a break. Do you know the bravery it takes to play golf with bone spurs?
I can't believe 30 years ago today Defending Your Life was released! To celebrate it Criterion has a beautiful reissue of the movie available in a few days. They did a great job, it's worth a look.
ow.ly/YYTf50E5tJo
If Ted Cruz loses tomorrow it will be exciting to see who he picks as his Secretary of State.
The earth is flat. We never went to the moon. The vaccine has a microchip in it. Trump had nothing to do with Jan. 6. Elvis is still alive. It feels so good to be fucking nuts.
Finding talent for the inauguration seems to be going badly but rumor is Putin will do his puppet act.
Trump says hacking was Dems fault for letting it happen. And Lincoln was an idiot for going to the theater.
The scariest thing about the Trump inspired protests today were people yelling "Fire Fauci!" Trump has to be watching this and feeling like he is invincible. He actually got his crowd to blame science. Even the Germans are going "holy shit I thought we got rid of this."
I pray with all my heart that we don't go to war with North Korea just to save this presidency.
Here’s what I hate: I hate when they tell me Charles Manson is on his deathbed and a week later he’s still alive. I hate that.
On July 27th Trump called for protesters who damaged federal buildings to get a minimum of 10 years in prison. My question is does he share a cell with Rudy Giuliani or do they get their own?
Can't tell you how many people have tweeted at me saying "It's not 18 school shootings since the beginning of the year, it's 3 stupid." Do you dumb asses hear yourself? 3 school shootings in 6 weeks is now perceived as normal with these people. God help us.
The president just said that we cannot believe any news unless it comes directly from him. Seriously.
#totalitarianism
I just wanted to congratulate Vladimir Putin on a hard fought election victory. Even when you've killed some of your opponents and put the others in jail it's still a marvelous achievement.
It feels good to read that you’re supposed to stay home and avoid people. I’ve been doing that since I’m 12. It’s finally in fashion.
Was looking through It's Garry Shandling's Book today which was put together by Judd Apatow. Very nice tribute to a very funny guy. Thank God I'm feeling healthy but if I drop dead Judd I expect the same.
I said a sentence today that I never thought would come out of my mouth. “God, I hope he picks Mitt Romney.”
The more I watch these hearings the more I can’t believe Richard Nixon was forced to quit because of a hotel room break in but this guy still runs around like he owns the place.
Terrible weather in the Northeast. I hope people are ok. As Majorie Taylor Greene says these Jew storms have got to stop.
Unbelievable game between 49ers and Packers. I'm sure Aaron Rodgers feels terrible. Maybe he can drown his sorrows with a vaccination.
It’s nice to see the guy who wrote The Art of the Deal bring the country to its knees for absolutely nothing.
I couldn’t figure out just how scared Trump is of Kamala but now that he’s digging out the birther thing again he must be terrified.
This has been bothering me for so long I have to get it off my chest. Sixteen years ago Joe Biden and I made out for 20 minutes in the back of a Subaru.
I feel much better.
It's scary to picture Trump sitting in his room tweeting I WON over and over again. What happens over the next 2 months? What is this guy going to do to us? An angry, vindictive man who still has full power is not something to take lightly.
What a beautiful moment for world peace, the American leader and the Russian leader arm in arm both agreeing that America’s institutions suck. I got the chills.
Trump actually said tonight that he’s building a wall in Colorado. This isn’t a joke. This is the way my uncle talked before he was convinced he was bird and lived for two months in a pine tree.
Supreme Court just rejected it. That's it. It's over. Although I hear Trump wants to take it to North Korea.