Alana MasseyVerified account

@AlanaMassey

writing covering pain and pop ✍️🤮squirrel doing karaoke 🎤🐿 I wrote All The Lives I Want (2017) and the forthcoming Not In The Job Description (2019)

The Catskills
alanakm.com/books/
Joined November 2011
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  1. Pinned Tweet
    2 Apr 2016

    "Sir, your first wife is here. She doesn't look pleased."

    51 replies 239 retweets 2,708 likes
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  2. 16 hours ago

    I took this after stepping away from my pillow for two minutes to find my selfish, vain, and beautiful monster on it. I know he was just being his old entitled self but it said to me, for the first time in some time, isn’t this something that’s YOURS? Don’t you want it back?

    1 reply 66 likes
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  3. 16 hours ago

    Something that you may or may not know about head injuries and the trauma that follows is a lost interest in the self as such. One result is a total loss of interest in selfies which used to constitute a lot of my self understanding. But Keith remembers for me. Thanks friend.

    6 replies 144 likes
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  4. Retweeted
    20 hours ago

    we are over "supporting" trans folks here we are on "throwing bricks" for trans folks

    11 replies 567 retweets 2,207 likes
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  5. Retweeted
    18 hours ago

    "I Imagine All My Cis Friends Laughing At Tranny Jokes" by J

    3 replies 71 retweets 222 likes
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  6. Retweeted
    Oct 15

    If you feel uncomfortable in the night, please understand it is just your skeleton’s inherent need for freedom. Soon.

    34 replies 5,109 retweets 12,192 likes
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  7. Retweeted
    Oct 19
    Replying to

    "it's a snake habitat turn around" -- the sign welcoming you to Australia

    1 retweet 15 likes
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  8. Retweeted
    18 Oct 2017

    “Each friend represents a world in us, a world not born until they arrive. It is only by this meeting that a new world is born.” ―Anaïs Nin

    9 replies 113 retweets 423 likes
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  9. Retweeted
    Oct 19
    Replying to

    not wanting to make australia seem like a parody of itself but the thing is it’s mostly snake habitats here

    1 reply 2 retweets 30 likes
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  10. Oct 19

    Do you ever think about the visionary derangement of the teen fans in Australia who got their BOY BAND DREAM CRUSH to tweet at them DIRECTLY & TWICE by camping out in a snake habitat? Do you ever think about the Australian developers who put luxe hotels next to snake habitats?

    3 replies 7 retweets 102 likes
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  11. Retweeted
    Oct 18
    Replying to

    13 replies 70 retweets 3,351 likes
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  12. Oct 19

    Sweden is cute in how the occasional weapons found by children swimming in lakes turn out to be magical pre-Viking treasures and all the ones I found in lakes as a kid were like, used to murder a guy's wife and kids within the last decade at most

    6 replies 7 retweets 91 likes
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  13. Oct 18

    "What most people call hell, he calls home." "No man, no law, no war can stop him." "They sent him on a mission and set him up to fail. But they made one mistake. They forgot they were dealing with Rambo." And to think, all this time, I thought I was just Marty McFly's dad.

    Forget astrology. The tagline of the #1 movie at the box office the day you were born, that determines your fate from now on
    3 replies 1 retweet 19 likes
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  14. Oct 16

    Hey ILLITERATE AND SHORT center of my world, how bout we use the only shelves you can reach full of YOU DONT KNOW WHAT CAUSE WORDS ARE YEARS AWAY and the soft colorful monsters you actually want to connect with, might as well put them in the sky.

    1 reply 12 likes
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  15. Oct 16

    They clearly decided this covertly in the midst of battle and went so far as to make an oath to seduce two of Liam’s wives for a single night of sufficiently sober lovemaking to sire Liam’s illegitimate heirs so clearly in the likeness of his sworn enemies!

    16 likes
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  16. Oct 16

    for a childhood fan of both Blur AND Oasis ANGUISHED in the heated 90s Battle of Britpop, I thought of no ending more delightful than Damon and Noel ending up pals because they knew Liam was the true enemy... But there WAS more delight to come...

    1 reply 2 retweets 31 likes
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  17. Oct 16

    I am generally of a "you do you!" attitude about home decor but why are THE COOL nurseries all themed "a dreamer inventor in rural 1970s Denmark made a machine that saved the world but could not prevent the drowning of his infant son. The nursery door was never opened again."

    7 replies 68 likes
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  18. Oct 16

    I long grieved her dwindling herd, a symbol of US fertility & collective memory of trips to haunted scout camps, The Warped Tour, & jail. In every Town & Country your Quest sees, at a Sedona peak or Pacifica deep, I pray it swells from a man's Odyssey to a nation's Grand Caravan.

    This is not a test, I have not been kidnapped nor is this a cry for help. I love minivans. What a wonderfully spacious vehicle design. I’m seriously contemplating making the switch.
    2 retweets 36 likes
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  19. Oct 16

    Guys, is THIS what became of that sorceress Carly Rae Jepsen’s forever-haunting-once-you-hear-she’s-serious lyric, “Who gave you eyes like that? Said you could keep them?”

    16 likes
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  20. Oct 16

    This “Feature” is the surprise reel of moments on your phone that they show you on the long elevator ride down to Hell and how your private digital apathy and recklessness was more cruel in the aggregate than every heart you wounded. The otter narrates.

    1 retweet 16 likes
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  21. Oct 16

    My God, just when I thought the cruel alternate realities created in “Memories” were our peak iPhone nightmare, this little friend I didn’t even remember I save to my phone appeared. I wonder if I caused his sorrow, I want to know how to help.

    3 replies 2 retweets 28 likes
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