Aiden Wolfe

@AidenWolfe

Writer, satirist, some prick who gets off screwing with words. Survived Christian extremism: now I piss on everything cults hold sacred.

North Carolina, USA
Vrijeme pridruživanja: veljača 2013.

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  1. Prikvačeni tweet
    15. lis 2019.

    In case you missed it, I launched a Patreon yesterday. Publishing tons of writing (shit that would get me nuked off Twitter). If I make you laugh, or you want to read me long-form, consider becoming a Patron. Thanks so much to all you who already have

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  2. Dear Flying Spaghetti Monster: it's been awhile since I felt your noodly appendage, but I humble myself before you in hopes that you take pity and pour Parmesan on Trump's three chins. I ask this so my party stops devouring itself & focuses on the real target. Ramen.

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  3. I'm proud to be an American, where at least I know I'm free to stick my fucking head in a microwave and hope like hell I fry my brain enough to jump straight into some benevolent dimension where dead-behind-the-eye-cultists aren't successfully shitting down the throat of sanity.

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  4. prije 7 sati

    Call me fucking crazy, but I don't care if it is the year 2220 and millions of sex robots and pissed off quantum vacuum cleaners just won the right to vote. PAPER BALLOTS NOW. PAPER BALLOTS TOMORROW. PAPER BALLOTS FOREVER.

    Poništi
  5. prije 14 sati

    Before I fuck off, allow me to express how proud I am of every last Iowa voter who sunk all of themselves into busting their ass for a candidate they believed in. Our republic may be on its death bed, but it would already be in a coffin if it wasn’t for people like you.

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  6. prije 14 sati

    God damn. Well, there goes two weeks of trying to exhibit restraint on Twitter. My humble apologies for the rage tweets. Excuse me while I exit social media for a day or so and ponder the merits of human extinction. Namaste. Nama-fucking-ste.

    Poništi
  7. prije 14 sati

    You’re fired, Iowa. You’re fucking fired. Who the hell do I have to blow to send Iowa all the way down to the minor leagues? Get your fucking head in the game, son. You’re embarrassing us.

    Poništi
  8. prije 15 sati

    I know many of you have blue balls right now waiting for Iowa's results, so let me take a moment to distract you with a friendly reminder: Jimmy Carter has one of the kindest hearts to ever enter politics and I cherish every day that he is alive. That is all. You may resume.

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  9. prije 16 sati

    Whether Bernie, Warren, Biden, Yang, Buttigieg or Beetlejuice: I want to give my respect to voters who endured the stink of an Iowa caucus to support their candidate. I'm just glad you give a shit enough to show up. Much love.

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  10. 3. velj

    My mind is an endless abyss that has snuffed out more faith in humanity than Lindsey Graham's anal gape. A mattress for an orgy of nightmares, of which I spew out in the form of pixelated vomit. Namaste.

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  11. 3. velj

    Post-apocalypse. Dead of winter. The sun is going down, and there you are alone on a deserted high way. To your left, you see Chuck Todd chattering his rodent teeth trying to fight off hypothermia. To your right, Chris Mathews drinking his own urine to stay alive. What do you do?

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  12. 3. velj

    Maybe I've been unfair to Trump's participation fuck trophies. I sorta just assumed eating paint chips was some weird family tradition, but his children never had a chance of harnessing more than 4 neurons between them. Talk about a cognitively impaired genetic septic tank.

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  13. 3. velj

    Sweet fucking Lucifer. Don't get me wrong, Trump. I'm no stranger to tweeting on large amounts of speed and sleep deprivation, but goddamn: there are times when ya just gotta put the phone down. For Christ sake, make this stable genius point to an American map on the debate stage

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  14. 3. velj

    Half the time I realize that I could have made a sentence read better in a tweet, and this knowledge gnaws away at my sanity until I give in and just delete it. An unfortunate compulsion.

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  15. 3. velj

    I'm pretty fucked in the head, so let's try a little social experiment. I dare all of you to reply to this tweet stating who you think will win the Iowa caucus -- WITHOUT criticizing another candidate or talking shit to anyone else doing the same.

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  16. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    2. velj
    Odgovor korisniku/ci

    NGL - the only thing that kept my spirits up today, along with scream laughing and snorting coffee out my nose on my screen was your “Doral Bedbug” story. Equal parts hysterical, horrifying and utterly brilliant. An anodyne for these harsh times. Continue please ❤️💪🏼

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  17. 2. velj

    I don't know what the fuck is happening to me. I was once such a wonderfully miserable misanthrope. Somehow, I turned into an annoying prick preaching party unity and insisting on a light at the end of this absurd tyrannical tunnel. It's gross, but I refuse to accept nihilism.

    Poništi
  18. 2. velj

    Thank you for reading it! Rest assured, big things are in store for Jim the bed bug. I originally intended it to be a short story called “Death of a Doral Bed Bug,” but got too attached to Jim to kill him off. Turning it into a novel, so I’m really glad you like the story.

    Poništi
  19. 1. velj

    Looking forward to your thoughts on it. If reading it can provide even a few laughs to a wonderful person like you, all the hours I put into writing it will have been worth it. I hope your recovery is as smooth as possible. Much love

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  20. 1. velj

    Several days ago, I believe you mentioned all the maliciousness you've had to endure throughout your life. And, I just have an overwhelming compulsion to say how fucking awesome I think you are. I always enjoy your replies. You got a lot of spirit. Appreciate ya, genuinely.

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  21. 1. velj

    Not gonna lie: it is a real fucking struggle to find anything that even remotely passes as optimism. I concede things look bleaker than Barron after his daddy forgets his birthday. But, fuck fatalism. Fuck surrendering to dead-behind-the-eye cultists. This isn’t over. Never over.

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