Conversation

Aella
@Aella_Girl
I often hear women talk about how they live in fear of men, on guard against sexual pursuit, being afraid to walk to their car alone, guarding drinks from drugs etc. - but I don't really feel afraid and haven't had much bad stuff happen to me? Idk why our experiences are diff 1/
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Aella
@Aella_Girl
I *have* had some concrete 'men are scary' experiences, but those really don't feel like they generalize. Like, once had a man stalk/chase me home down some deserted alleyways, but that was at 2am in Istanbul. Or a violent client, but that was cause I failed to screen. 2/
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Aella
@Aella_Girl
And subtler ways men are aggressive don't feel scary to me. Catcalling? Cool, I feel safe when there's other people on the street, never had a catcaller follow me. A guy hits on me aggressively at a club? Lol, no big deal, I feel 0% threatened, what's he gonna do? 3/
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Aella
@Aella_Girl
I do occasionally experience fear but those are usually very narrow and specific circumstances. Don't care when a homeless guy asks me to suck his dick, but I'll hire a bodyguard for public meetups I attend, and if I don't see other women walking alone on a street I'll nope out
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Aella
@Aella_Girl
But why do I have such different experiences from other women? Why do I generally encounter men as safe? Some theories:
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Aella
@Aella_Girl
1. I'm taller and/or less attractive than other women who get pursued more aggressively; men just don't find me sufficiently appealing to actually be dangerous at?
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Aella
@Aella_Girl
Replying to
@Aella_Girl
3. I am in fact being aggressed upon as much as other women, but I don't really notice it or process it as a threat or danger to me? e.g. if a guy is a lil aggro I have strong, internalized assumptions that he's not *actually* going to hurt me
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Aella
@Aella_Girl
4. I am in situations that are much less dangerous on average - e.g. i go to clubs in nicer areas, less often, and get less drunk? Or I've lived in nicer areas? But I have lived in a *lot* of cities, in both nice and bad areas so ??
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Aella
@Aella_Girl
5. men prefer to be aggro/scary at women only if they think the women won't like it? and i give off nice signals (e.g., saying thank-you to catcallers) that makes me less satisfying to harass?
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Piq
@PiquantParvenu
Replying to
@Aella_Girl
I would guess this ☝️ It’s only a small % of men who are harmful and then tend to be predatory/repeat harmful I used to get targeted by that type when I was young and very naive/easy to manipulate I get targeted less now that I can see what’s happening/they sense that I can
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Andrew Rettek
@oscredwin
Replying to
@Aella_Girl
Something like this seems to play a big part in getting catcalled. Some women can't escape it, some women never have it happen. Some small number of men get it when they have it, but that's very rare.
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Nicest Snog🔎
@Insect_Song
Replying to
@Aella_Girl
This is definitely part of it. I flatted at the same time with two women of similar height & build (short). One was repeatedly harassed & once grabbed by the local homeless, one never had any issues. Victim aura vs "don't fuck with me" vibes.
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Jessica Pin
@MediClit
Replying to
@Aella_Girl
BINGO. Same. I don’t get harassed. I also rarely get hit on. It’s always been this way. There’s a trade off. My unapproachability means missed opportunities. But if I do get hit on, it’s by some guy I think is out of my league. 😂🤦🏻‍♀️
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