I think *lots* of failures of monogamy come from this. This isn't monogamy's fault, exactly, it comes from 'viewing monogamy as ideal', which causes people to subconsciously lie to themselves about what's actually the right path for them. 3/
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Similarly, if you view polyamory as hip or enlightened, you might lie to yourself about how much jealousy you can handle, or about how much reassurance you need to feel comfortable. And you won't notice this is happening, because your identity rides on being poly! 4/
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When I was much younger, I "viewed poly as ideal" to the extent that I denied to myself and others that I was experiencing jealousy. This is really unhealthy! I was experiencing jealousy! But my desire to view myself in a good light blinded me to myself. 5/
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Lots of failures of polyamory come from this, too. It's not polyamory's fault exactly, but rather from people viewing polyamory as a solution or ideal, and then trying to cram who they actually are into the very differently-shaped polyamory frame. 6/
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Often when I see people talking about how "yeah they tried polyamory but turns out it was terrible, monogamy is better" i auto interpret this as being "I idealized polyamory, and when I tried to force myself to change in order to fit this ideal, everything blew up" 7/
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Lots of people blame polyamory or monogamy for why they are the "other team" now; imo this is missing the point. Just because you weren't meant for the structure doesn't mean the structure is at fault! Find the structure that works for you. 8/
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I will say tho, between polyamory and monogamy, one of those two structures is significantly more idealized by our culture, and places significantly more pressure on people to conform to it.
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When a polyamorous relationship blows up, we tend to say it was the fault of polyamory; when a monogamous relationship blows up, we tend to say it was the fault of anything else *but* the monogamy - even though in many cases it was *directly caused by the structure of monogamy*!
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Still tho, especially in more sexually progressive subcultures, or subcultures that prize making decisions from the head at the expense of the emotions, you can often find people doing poly for similar pressured reasons that ppl outside choose monogamy, and this isn't great.
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I was recently talking with a friend about "non-hierarchical" polyamory and we basically agreed that it's a pipe dream; human beings are naturally hierarchical. To the degree that one prefers the company of one partner to another, one has established a hierarchy. Your thoughts?
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i prefer descriptive hierarchy rather than prescriptive; you discover the hierarchy that emerges out of you doing what you want, as opposed to setting rules and then obeying those rules even if you don't want to