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Conversation

i am pretty down with a lot of the stereotypical ways men can't 'satisfy' women; not as emotionally in tune, wants higher novelty in mate choice, bad at picking up underwear or whatever. I've come to terms with all that, celebrate differences! except for one thing

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which is lower curiosity, or something related? I was talking to some of my friends, complaining how hard it was to find a partner who seemed actively, genuinely curious about me, and realized this seems to be a really gendered thing.

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like, when im in relationships i love asking careful questions, cause im super curious about my partner, i want to know about them, how their mind works, how they feel about the world. but its rare to find someone who wants to do it to me

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and i think this is probably a gendered thing and it makes me feel sad. i can accept a dude who never cries or wants to bang a new woman every week, but it feels really painful to just 'accept' low curiosity from a man. it feels like not being loved

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i have trouble empathizing with lack of curiosity like i can empathize with other gendered differences. I think i hold maybe a little bitterness at how often i feel unmet/unmatched/empty in that way.

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although to be fair maybe i have unreasonably high standards. you know how merciless i am with twitter polls and question formation, i am no different in my romantic life, and it might be unreasonable to want that level of curious intensity from someone else

4:05 AM · Sep 12, 2022

Geoffrey Miller

Replying to

A valid concern. Maybe, insofar as the sexes tend to be interested in different types of people/things/issues, many men might feel like when they've asked girlfriends about deeper stuff, they've gotten answers they found boring/unattractive/irrelevant (by their biased standards).

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Geoffrey Miller

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and

So they've kind of been trained (by their own interests, preferences, & reward functions) not to ask such questions.

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Absolutely not unreasonable! There are curious, intentional men out there. I promise.

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you don't apologize for high standards elsewhere and i don't think you should start now

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Not at all. I think if we really love someone then we are fascinated by them. By the way their mind works, by their memories, by their ideas.

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That doesn’t seem like an unreasonable expectation. I’m sure some people won’t meet it because that’s just not how their minds work. But wanting a partner who wants to understand how you see things and what makes you tick isn’t unrealistic or unreasonable at all.

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At what point would you consider someone's curiosity sufficient to satisfy. A person likely isn't built on infinite depth and at a certain point there probably should be a level of shared understanding. But where would that line be drawn?

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Funny enough I have felt the same about women. Although I generally think curiosity as a MO is genuinely pretty rare to find in human beings.

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Honestly, it's because y'all will have a problem, and we'll try to help solve it, and then we eventually learn that makes us the bad guy. Tuning everything out is just logical. No hate, but 95% of y'all actively seek drama, and 95% of us just want quiet.

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Giovanni Fontana

@Distantisaluti

Replying to

I would say digging/asking/probing is what a relationship is to most of the male friends I have, but it's probably because that's a trait related to other things I like/choose in friends. There might be a selection bias related to other characteristics you look for in partners.

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