at this point i just really want a good programmer to come in and fix all my code and pat me on the head and make everything okay cause im about to start crying from frustration here
Having a person who sits with you and fixes all the code and pats you on the head is traditionally called "pair programming". The experience you describe is in fact quite typical of the programmer life.
There's no need to pair program in person anymore since there are wonderful tools to enable it remotely now.
Here's ours, which works between all the most popular tools:
For the sake of safety perhaps invite them to a coffee shop or library or similar and go find a table in the corner where you can set up your laptops etc.. 🤷♂️
You probably want to use remote pair programming software such as Tuple, rather than limit yourself to Austin and worry about sharing your home address. I don't know much about how to recruit/hire, but will say that general-programming-skill beats knows-pandas-in-particular.