and that these would typically change on the timescale of *years*?
and since a lot of the thread was written in present tense ("I feel") and referred to recent events, I didn't see any reason to think this particular pattern was entirely inactive/outdated/irrelevant
Conversation
since basically everyone has some set of these things that they untangle, I'm not particularly "judging" anyone for having them, and am not quite sure what that would even mean to be "judging" you right now
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like do I think you're "bad"? No. "good"? Also no. I'm not really thinking in those terms? Bc in a sense these sorts of things aren't "about YOU"-- do I think this particular pattern of emotion-interpretation-reactions *could* cause interpersonal problems for you and others? Yes
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I'm not pretending to be totally emotionally neutral on that point, like I have no prior experience with the pattern-- I have found it frustrating when men took boundary-setting as accusation, or react once they felt like "hey I've sent *enough* signals that I'm safe, let me in!"
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(Note that I haven't accused YOU or implied that YOU definitely do or have ever done this; I'm saying: "this is a emotional/belief pattern it seems to me you might hold" and "I believe a similar pattern can explain some behaviors I've seen in others")
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I find the contrast of this interaction interesting, compared to the topic of something like race. I wonder how people would take this category of response if a PoC had been "it's really frustrating how I am afraid of all white people treating me like an inherent threat".
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e.g. "you describe white people as "assuming you're violent" (maybe this is not a current/endorsed view?)-- but this seems like a bad faith view, given that they clearly have to make decisions given low information, high maximum risk, unclear benefits, uncertain probabilities"
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or "it might be that you perceive a white person's "defenses" (boundaries) as accusations against your character-- to hear e.g. "I don't trust you" not as a statement describing her own emotional experience, but as a character accusation"
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or "I..can see how people each internalize/integrate bits of broader culture differently and in uniquely harmful ways etc-- but pls do consider how it might be both true and *not about you* that "white people are rational not to trust you""
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If you switch the category you're defending to a clearly unsympathetic majority, then it immediately becomes obvious that the frame you're using is placing onus/responsibility on one party and completely removing it from the other
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Like, sure, *maybe* it's good to point out how maybe it's reasonable for white people to not trust PoCs in specific circumstances, but it sure as hell is not great to do this in the replies of a PoC venting about how much it sucks
You are the fucking GOAT 🐐. ( that’s the first time I’ve ever used that word that way ..)
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