My circles don't really use "forgiveness" or "apologizing" as a frame too much; there's lots of working through things and communicating, but not so much with those lenses. I'm noticing this due to visiting my family, who uses these lenses a lot and it's startling.
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i’ve noticed forgiveness/apologies to be favored among ppl who are punishment/atonement minded. like, there is a sense of being owed a debt and “graciously” canceling the debt after a suitable apology.
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Apologizing for me is a tool I use to deal with people who use that lenses. It was a very effective tool to add to my tool belt! After all we have to coexist with all sorts of people
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not knowing which lens to use gives me anxiety. i often default to the communicating lens, which can be perceived as making excuses & deflecting responsibility. but i'm trying to *take* responsibility.
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Frankly, hearing that there are people who can't/won't apologise or forgive (and seeing that as a virtue not a fault) is fucking grim.
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In my case it's my family that doesn't do "apologising" or "forgiveness". The former is seen as asking for permission to repeat offend. The latter is seen is granting it. Demanding an apology (especially for an imaginary offence) is seen as a perpetrator behaviour.
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yeah, i hate forgiveness as a state, you either forgive someone or you don't, touch is a really important part of this too, much easier to feel like you're forgiven after a hug
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"Sorry that thing happened to you" - Someone completely uninvolved in the thing.
Chaps my goat
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