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This clip has more reaction? I def have diff modes, pretty out-of-my-control, where the muscles in my face literally feel different. i suspect the interview ended up triggering a different mode once i realized the rules were different

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i do think i have a public affect in the way i have a sex-worker-character who interacts with clients, mebbe is that thing it also feels pretty non-conscious, like i think it's just some compartmentalization thing turned way up

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one of my guesses is it comes from my dad making me stand in front of him for long periods of time as he yelled at me and said as many upsetting things as he could, and if i showed any reaction he would jump on it as evidence of my badness and use it for more fuel

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and so i had a huge amount of practice all throughout childhood of totally disassociating my facial movements from my emotions. i think its easy to come up with narratives in hindsight for things that might actually be genetics or hwatever, but seems like a plausible theory

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i have a v weird relationship with my facial muscles now; they usually (not always) feel intentionally done, like i feel like i am consciously 'doing a smile' or whatever, like im reaching a hand into my face puppet to move it around; naturally there's no movement

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yea maybe so! I think it's also accidentally high status (tho i am unclear if my process evolved out of trying to be high status), cause it seems like high-status people move their heads less

8:29 PM · Apr 25, 2022

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ya idk if my thing is ideal, i think it gives off some kind of uncanny valley vibe (lots of mean comments on the internet say my eyes look sociopathic), its possible having micromovements is ultimately a better thing? Maybe not, idk im too inside it to tell