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I def have diff modes, pretty out-of-my-control, where the muscles in my face literally feel different. i suspect the interview ended up triggering a different mode once i realized the rules were different
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i do think i have a public affect in the way i have a sex-worker-character who interacts with clients, mebbe is that thing
it also feels pretty non-conscious, like i think it's just some compartmentalization thing turned way up
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one of my guesses is it comes from my dad making me stand in front of him for long periods of time as he yelled at me and said as many upsetting things as he could, and if i showed any reaction he would jump on it as evidence of my badness and use it for more fuel
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and so i had a huge amount of practice all throughout childhood of totally disassociating my facial movements from my emotions. i think its easy to come up with narratives in hindsight for things that might actually be genetics or hwatever, but seems like a plausible theory
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i have a v weird relationship with my facial muscles now; they usually (not always) feel intentionally done, like i feel like i am consciously 'doing a smile' or whatever, like im reaching a hand into my face puppet to move it around; naturally there's no movement
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i don't have this sense after like... lots of physical movement, or when on some types of drugs, or around people im very intimate with.
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i also think crying is one thing that can help change my relationship to my face too
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