Conversation

Aella
@Aella_Girl
THREAD: I seem to disproportionately attract erotomanic stalkers, which is the least fun kind of stalker. Erotomanic stalkers are completely convinced that they have some sort of relationship with you, and that you're secretly talking to them through anything you post online.
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Aella
@Aella_Girl
They're especially bad for a few reasons. 1. Terrible support networks for victims. Most stalkers are "unhinged guy you broke up with", and support forums are for that; they assume the guy is part of your personal life and don't try to do things like "hide addresses"
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Aella
@Aella_Girl
2. They don't respond to normal incentives. In the Gift Of Fear, DeBeker recommends restraining orders for people who are already the type of person to comprehend and respond to a very loud "fuck off." If they're ignoring your fuck-offs, they'll ignore restraining orders too.
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Aella
@Aella_Girl
3. They are completely detached from reality. Like, completely, beyond help. I've had erotomanic stalkers for *years* and rarely mentioned it because I didn't want to give them attention or acknowledgement. Turns out this doesn't matter, they think you're talking to them anyway.
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Aella
@Aella_Girl
I talked to a medium-public figure once who had an erotomanic stalker who was *convinced* they were married, and was furious at her for not wearing her wedding ring, and wanted to find and hurt her for being unfaithful. No amount of evidence (like never meeting her) would fix it.
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Aella
@Aella_Girl
4. Erotomanic stalkers can bleed onto your entire life. My stalkers read *everything* I post, on all accounts, everywhere, every reply and every like. They also do this for all of my friends, and develop delusions that my friends are talking to them too.
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Aella
@Aella_Girl
Some of my friends now have erotomanic stalkers because of me, and that really sucks. If you interact with me online a lot, there's a good chance you've interacted with a stalker of mine who's using an alt account - including long DM conversations.
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Aella
@Aella_Girl
Replying to
@Aella_Girl
Erotomanic stalkers can last a long time. Sometimes they're in spurts, like a few weeks of messages, but sometimes it's years. One guy would send me hour+ long voice messages on the reg, where he'd psychoanalyze me and our relationship, alternate between furious and forgiving.
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Aella
@Aella_Girl
Another guy has sent an average of around three messages *every day* on every platform for almost *three years.* I don't read them, when I can't block I have a friend occasionally check to ensure he's not telling me he figured out where I live and is coming to kill me (again)
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Aella
@Aella_Girl
Once I announced I was going to be at a public event and a stalker drove cross-state to try to find it. The address was private, but he drove up and down every street in the area trying to find me. Now if publicly announce my presence at an event, I usually bring a bodyguard.
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Aella
@Aella_Girl
I recently moved, and received some empty registered mail at my new place, forwarded from my last place. Turns out this sends notification of forwarding address to the sender, and is how stalkers figure out where you've moved to. I didn't even know they'd *had* my last address.
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Aella
@Aella_Girl
At times this has been pretty psychologically hard. If I had enough money I could probably buy security measures that take the psychological strain away, but I'm not there yet. Occasionally it's given me really fascinating points of intense world-altering paranoia.
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Aella
@Aella_Girl
Once a stalker somehow got into a really private group where I said vulnerable things, and when I realized he was in it I had a... paranoid episode? or something? where my body had muscle spasms and hyperventilation and I became *convinced* that my stalker was outside my house.
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Aella
@Aella_Girl
I've gone through feelings of "this is so unfair" - it's weird to have someone want to kill you based on delusions, when you've never met them and don't know them. It's a *bizarre* sensation! It's surreal! It's like a random nightmare. Why me?? What did I do to deserve this?
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Aella
@Aella_Girl
It's also some of the most intense fear I've felt in my adult life. And it's so unlike any other threat! It feels warped, like I'm looking at an image through water; it's hard to judge what the actual risk is and I can't tell if I'm being reasonable or paranoid.
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Aella
@Aella_Girl
In general, my attitude with people of ill-intent is to completely ignore them. Don't let on they exist, don't publicly acknowedge you have stalkers But honestly this is only good advice when dealing with people who have *any* connection to reality at all. These people have none.
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Aella
@Aella_Girl
For help, I've reached out to various systems (like the police or domestic abuse people), but *nobody* I've talked to has had experience with erotomanics. I've slightly better luck asking famous ppl how they handle it, but most ppl around my level of fame don't get erotomanics.
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Aella
@Aella_Girl
I have taken my own precautions, but I'm not going to list them here. I will say that living in texas helps!
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