Narrating internal conflict around wanting to have casual sex because i'm horny THREAD 1/
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Ok so wanna get laid. Seems simple, right? But I want to get laid with *sex I like*. There's ways to figure out if I'm likely to enjoy sex with someone though, I can talk about it with them first or do a sex survey or whatever.
But first issue: this is scary
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As in, it removes all plausible deniability. As soon as I do this, it's fully clear that I'm considering having sex with the person, and then incentives get fucked - I can't let them know what I like, or they're gonna be likely to say they like it too.
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Also it being common knowledge that I'm considering having sex with someone is also a big vulnerability; my SMV comes from *quality* of mate, not quantity; I'd be embarrassed if ppl knew all the people I'd considered having sex with before getting to know them
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Second issue: The sex is better if I kinda know/like them at least a little bit? Communication and trust is important for good sex. And... idk how to say this, but i'm not very impressed with "average man off dating app." As soon as they open their mouth they ruin my attraction.
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I could just... not talk? I tried this once a few years ago, I was like "ok i'm gonna have a guy who scored high on my sex survey come over" and i told him not to say anything to me at all and i kept our online communication as terse as possible so that he wouldn't turn me off
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But the result is that the sex wasn't great (not his fault! just it's super scary and awkward to have sex with someone after speaking literally 5 words to them)
Okay so - maybe have sex with someone from my extended community? An acquaintance? Recommended friend?
No, even worse
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At least with random tinder people there's compartmentalization that prevents your choice from reflecting on your status; "getting laid with a total rando in order to get off" is fine; "Aella fucked [person we all know]" is terrifying cause it exposes me to judgment via them
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I think if I had a reputation as a total slut this might be fine; "oh aella fucked [that person]? nbd she fucks everyone" = great, awesome. But if I don't have that reputation, then suddenly there's Meaning bestowed on who I bang, and there's a whole host of anxiety around that.
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I don't think this is unique to me, but rather is a common facet of how women work; while men are judged by their quantity, women are judged by their quality; me banging a lame guy is the sexual equivalent to a guy who can't get laid. Do I like this? No, but it's part of me.
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I suspect a good chunk is social conditioning; as in when I'm around communities where orgies and casual sex happen all the time, it's a bit easier for me to feel comfortable having casual sex; i think cause of common acknowledgement that if i fuck u it doesn't mean ur special
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But alas, I am not in orgy communities, and nor am I a slut, at least not lately; i think i've been averaging around one new civvie sexual partner per year for a while. The ambient sexual non-promiscuity of my culture seeping into my bones is really a bummer, man
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i just want a cute dude to hit me up, who just so happens to be into what i'm into, and he's either top tier in my community or literally nobody knows him at all, and he's smart and interesting and good at communication, then he bangs me and leaves, is that too much to ask
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Ok honestly if i bang a guy who is in the "top tier of my community" category there's a good chance i'd be down to date him too, even if it's casual. So probably if I actually want purely casual sex it'll be with a complete unknown rando. Ughhhhh
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i know it's hard for guys to get laid but it's also hard for women to get laid, just via a completely different set of problems. I would very much like to be having more sex than I currently am, it's just that most sex is not good enough to be worth having
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