Conversation

Aella
@Aella_Girl
You do not have ownership over other people's behavior! They have no inherent obligation to you, and you have no right to demand they behave differently than they want to. You *can* create boundaries around you own behavior - e.g. "if you make me feel bad, I'll leave"
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Aella
@Aella_Girl
Other people's right to their behavior does *not* extend to violating other people's rights to theirs; as in, people do not have the right to sexually assault you. Your property, your bodily autonomy, these basic things all 'protected classes' in my eyes. But besides this:
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Aella
@Aella_Girl
Your pain is your responsibility, it is created by you, owned by you. Because it's your responsibility, it's also your *right* - you have an unquestionable right to it, it is inherently valid, and nobody can tell you you shouldn't have it.
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Aella
@Aella_Girl
Other people's pain is *their* responsibility, created by them. You're not responsible for it. But it's also their right, their pain is inherently valid, you can't tell them they shouldn't have it. Both of you can decide to *not engage* - to leave the room, break up, walk away
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Aella
@Aella_Girl
I dislike norms where, if one person hurts another, the expectation is the first person immediately apologize, as though they've made a great error or violated some obligation. No, they don't have to. You don't have a right to their behavior, they're not responsible for your pain
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Aella
@Aella_Girl
It's okay to let the person know you are hurt, and to take steps to prevent them from hurting you again, no matter how trivial it might feel to you. But "yelling at them until they apologize to you" is *controlling their behavior, not yours.* Your pain is your responsibility.
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Wuzbuzy
@wuzbuzy
Replying to
@Aella_Girl
Do you make a distinction between public figures vs just interpersonal interactions? I can see influential people (politicians/powerful etc) being a problem to greater society in this dynamic.
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Chad Miller
@TastyChad
Replying to
@Aella_Girl
So you're saying a forced/coerced apology isn't a sincere apology, and an insincere apology is no apology at all. If so, I agree with that. Remorse can't be forced, even through punishment. No amount of remorse/justice will change how you handle your pain - it's its own monster.
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yairdn
@yairdn
Replying to
@Aella_Girl
What if “taking steps to stop them hurting you” includes yelling at them and demanding they apologise? Surely by your argument if I feel like doing those things, they have no right to demand I apologise for doing those things?
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