I internalized this so much that it took me years to start processing that I could have actual sexual desire that contradicted the man i was with; once I banged a guy where the penetration really hurt, and I hid that anything was wrong at all because sex wasn’t ‘for me.’ 5/
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I started secretly masturbating at age 14 and felt real guilty. I tried to research how much of a sin it was, to figure out how to handle my urges without committing lust. Every single resource I found was for boys; I couldn’t find a single thing about female masturbation. 6/
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I’m going into a lot of detail here (and skipping a lot too), but I’m trying to drive a point home that there does exist a type of traditional sex/gender culture that is pretty hard to exist inside of, that hurts people, shrinks their world, injects shame. 7/
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I carry it in my bones, it’s a heavy part of my history, and it’s strange and wonderful to have escaped, to be outside in a world that lets me have a wide variety of expression. My past feels like some dark, hidden dream that those around me have never dreamed themselves. 8/
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And I know a lot of current trad sexuality discourse is getting at a real thing, is trying to point out problems that exist in this weird progressive sex freedom, trying to protect ways people are hurt by this new approach.
But... do they know how dark the dream can get? 9/
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To be clear, a lot of neo-trad-discourse ppl wouldn’t condone most of my upbringing. My old trad life was an extreme version, the values mandatory and heavy and cruel. But my old trad life had a lot of justifications, and it makes me nervous to see similar justifications now. 10/
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One of the hard lessons of life is that there’s almost never a perfect option - in complex systems we get to pick between hurt and more hurt. Every suggestion will have downsides for someone, and if you claim your option will never hurt anyone then you’re delusional. 11/
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And I’m not claiming that progressive sexuality doesn’t hurt anyone. It’s new and clumsy and I absolutely agree and sympathize with trying to point out and mitigate it and fight to protect those who would be much better suited for a trad life. I am claiming, however, 12/
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That the worst version of progressive sexuality pales in comparison to the worst version of trad sexuality. History has had a lot of time to efficiently slam down human life and expression in traditional ways; the “but sexual freedom man” is a mild blip by comparison. 13/
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tbf I haven't experienced the worst of trad sexuality culture eithet; I was still allowed to drive, I was in fact told I would get a period instead of finding it out myself, and I was allowed to move out of the house by myself