When I see people really deeply terrified about hurting others, to the point where it's hurting themselves, I get a strong urge to offer myself as someone for them to hurt so they can practice feeling safe causing pain to others
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I'm both sadistic and masochistic in a specific emotional sense, generally when it feels like a compassionate thing to do
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Do you know your Enneagram type? Side note but I have a hunch and it feels related. (My guess is either 4w5 or 5w4 for you)
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I read through a book on it once and didn't resonate very strongly with any of the descriptions. The most close one was 5, but didn't feel super accurate.
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This is the 5 with a 4 wing: "The Iconoclast is inventive, cerebral, humble, intellectually-intuitive, abstract, eccentric, disconnected, subversive, and reclusive. They are contemplative and astute explorers, but can be antagonistic and nihilistic."
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Yeah sounds vaguely right! The descriptions I read in the book were much longer and there was a lot that I didn't identify with, but all those words you listed there sound good
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