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Aella_Girl's profile
Aella
Aella
Aella
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@Aella_Girl

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AellaVerified account

@Aella_Girl

whorelord http://aella.hns.to 

Austin
knowingless.com
Joined September 2012

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    1. Aella‏Verified account @Aella_Girl Feb 4

      Often people ask me "how do you deal with jealousy in polyamory?" When I get jealous, I meditate on the feeling. What am I afraid of? It's usually stuff like "I'm afraid he'll like her better than me" or "I'm afraid he'll leave me for her". 1/7

      21 replies 28 retweets 260 likes
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    2. Aella‏Verified account @Aella_Girl Feb 4

      Method 1, I check - is he leaving me for her? Not yet? What if he will in the future? Then I wait. Over time, if he keeps not leaving me or liking me less, then I get less afraid, because the fear is less plausible. My body gets tired of freaking out when nothing happens. 2/7

      1 reply 1 retweet 93 likes
      Show this thread
    3. Aella‏Verified account @Aella_Girl Feb 4

      Method 2: plow into the fear. Yeah, maybe he will leave me. Maybe he'll like her more than me. Should I stop him? Should I actively work to prevent him having a relationship with someone he's more compatible with? That feels gross. If he wants to leave, then he should leave. 3/7

      2 replies 4 retweets 107 likes
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    4. Aella‏Verified account @Aella_Girl Feb 4

      Trying to restrict his actions because I'm *afraid of him leaving me* feels actually really bad and cruel when I look directly at it. I actually don't want that! I don't want to do that to him. So my jealousy feels deeply painful, but also bearable, because it's meaningful. 4/7

      2 replies 1 retweet 94 likes
      Show this thread
    5. Aella‏Verified account @Aella_Girl Feb 4

      It can be heart wrenching, because it means I have to regularly come into close contact with the pain of potential loss. But it's also immensely rewarding, because the freedom feels loving, and it's super apparent that the relationship is a choice made out of real freedom. 5/7

      1 reply 1 retweet 90 likes
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    6. Aella‏Verified account @Aella_Girl Feb 4

      This is basically how it works for friendships. Sometimes, romantic relationships have more practical things built onto them, like children or shared finances. What about that - you can't just "let people leave" if you have children at stake! Isn't jealousy good, then? 6/7

      2 replies 1 retweet 74 likes
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    7. Aella‏Verified account @Aella_Girl Feb 4

      Almost but not quite. If you have a good friend with whom you build a company, would you argue jealousy is good? Probably not, that seems like a weird frame. You'd definitely need commitment, but the commitment is *for the company*, not for the friendship. 7/7

      4 replies 1 retweet 72 likes
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      Aella‏Verified account @Aella_Girl Feb 4

      P.S. I've dated as a poly person for a decade, and only once have I had a poly partner leave me for another partner, which really sucked but in hindsight was a good thing. Nearly all my other breakups were due to other, non-poly issues.

      4:10 PM - 4 Feb 2021
      • 1 Retweet
      • 93 Likes
      • Rafael Winniger 🏳️‍🌈 Never Again Means Something hugo_gbs anarcho-imposter-syndrome Riley Jon Shea henrie diosa ali ur fave energy worker
      9 replies 1 retweet 93 likes
        1. Matthew Johnson‏ @SEAsouthern Feb 4
          Replying to @Aella_Girl

          Have you checked out Relationship Anarchy (much less scary than it sounds). Sounds like you find it interesting. Seattle has a large and active (in normal times) community. http://www.relationship-anarchy.com/about 

          0 replies 0 retweets 0 likes
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        2. B.‏ @Be2the9s Feb 4
          Replying to @Aella_Girl

          Have you only been in polygynous relationships or in polyandrous ones, as well? If it’s the latter, do you have a clear preference?

          1 reply 0 retweets 1 like
        3. Aella‏Verified account @Aella_Girl Feb 4
          Replying to @Be2the9s

          I've been in both, and I don't have a clear preference in the sense that I want them to do what they want, but ultimately I need to do the least emotional work when it's just me with a bunch of solo dudes

          0 replies 0 retweets 3 likes
        4. End of conversation
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        2. Aella‏Verified account @Aella_Girl Feb 4

          It's super worth it. Jealousy doesn't always happen - usually for me it flares up at the beginning of a relationship, but *most* of my time in poly relationships is jealousy free, and it also gives you waaaaay more freedom and trust.

          0 replies 0 retweets 1 like
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        2. Claire Lehmann‏Verified account @clairlemon Feb 4
          Replying to @Aella_Girl

          How do you cope with feeling competitive with the other women?

          3 replies 0 retweets 4 likes
        3. Rokovich‏ @ReasonInterest Feb 4
          Replying to @clairlemon @Aella_Girl

          Aella is alpha, always 😉

          1 reply 0 retweets 2 likes
        4. Show replies
        1. Terrence Anderson‏ @OmegaSyrus Feb 4
          Replying to @Aella_Girl

          You think exactly like me. That's really refreshing.

          0 replies 0 retweets 0 likes
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        2. Ileana Almog‏ @IleanaAlmog Feb 4
          Replying to @Aella_Girl

          Is there ever a point at which the finite nature of resources becomes an issue? Like, time and attention? I do not have any concerns about casual dalliances, but a parallel relationship... how do people have time? Especially with work and young kids.

          1 reply 0 retweets 2 likes
        3. Whatever‏ @Whateverdude77 Feb 4
          Replying to @IleanaAlmog @Aella_Girl

          It can work and fall into place like any priority. But, just as with all the things we just don't have time for any longer, there is typically a natural decay in the secondary relationships during child raising times.

          0 replies 0 retweets 1 like
        4. End of conversation

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