Conversation

Aella
@Aella_Girl
Often people ask me "how do you deal with jealousy in polyamory?" When I get jealous, I meditate on the feeling. What am I afraid of? It's usually stuff like "I'm afraid he'll like her better than me" or "I'm afraid he'll leave me for her". 1/7
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Aella
@Aella_Girl
Method 1, I check - is he leaving me for her? Not yet? What if he will in the future? Then I wait. Over time, if he keeps not leaving me or liking me less, then I get less afraid, because the fear is less plausible. My body gets tired of freaking out when nothing happens. 2/7
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Aella
@Aella_Girl
Method 2: plow into the fear. Yeah, maybe he will leave me. Maybe he'll like her more than me. Should I stop him? Should I actively work to prevent him having a relationship with someone he's more compatible with? That feels gross. If he wants to leave, then he should leave. 3/7
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Aella
@Aella_Girl
Trying to restrict his actions because I'm *afraid of him leaving me* feels actually really bad and cruel when I look directly at it. I actually don't want that! I don't want to do that to him. So my jealousy feels deeply painful, but also bearable, because it's meaningful. 4/7
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Aella
@Aella_Girl
It can be heart wrenching, because it means I have to regularly come into close contact with the pain of potential loss. But it's also immensely rewarding, because the freedom feels loving, and it's super apparent that the relationship is a choice made out of real freedom. 5/7
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Aella
@Aella_Girl
This is basically how it works for friendships. Sometimes, romantic relationships have more practical things built onto them, like children or shared finances. What about that - you can't just "let people leave" if you have children at stake! Isn't jealousy good, then? 6/7
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Aella
@Aella_Girl
Almost but not quite. If you have a good friend with whom you build a company, would you argue jealousy is good? Probably not, that seems like a weird frame. You'd definitely need commitment, but the commitment is *for the company*, not for the friendship. 7/7
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Aella
@Aella_Girl
Replying to
@Aella_Girl
P.S. I've dated as a poly person for a decade, and only once have I had a poly partner leave me for another partner, which really sucked but in hindsight was a good thing. Nearly all my other breakups were due to other, non-poly issues.
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Jeremy Dunck
@jdunck
Replying to
@Aella_Girl
I think this is the thing for many monogamous people. Women get left holding the bag with kids and other family responsibilities, with less earning power, and so jealousy is an expression of an underlying need for assurance.
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Aella
@Aella_Girl
Replying to
@jdunck
I suspect probably a lot more men would be less likely to leave their wives if they weren't monogamous; monogamy forces an either/or choice, whereas lots of people would remain in their marriages if they could have both.
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Many Bad Opinions
@OneBadOpinion
Replying to
@Aella_Girl
But in this analogy, commitment to "the company" would surely be analogous to commitment to "the relationship," no? I have different expectations on a romantic partner than a friend. If a friend moves halfway across the world, I say goodbye and wish them well because... 1/3
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Aapje
@NotoriousAapje
Replying to
@Aella_Girl
Why do you think that jealousy of a business partner stepping out with other business partners has to be over friendship, rather than the company? And why do you think that jealousy in a relationship is not 'for the relationship?'