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Aella_Girl's profile
Aella
Aella
Aella
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@Aella_Girl

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AellaVerified account

@Aella_Girl

whorelord http://aella.hns.to 

Austin
knowingless.com
Joined September 2012

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    1. Aella‏Verified account @Aella_Girl Feb 4

      Often people ask me "how do you deal with jealousy in polyamory?" When I get jealous, I meditate on the feeling. What am I afraid of? It's usually stuff like "I'm afraid he'll like her better than me" or "I'm afraid he'll leave me for her". 1/7

      21 replies 28 retweets 259 likes
      Show this thread
    2. Aella‏Verified account @Aella_Girl Feb 4

      Method 1, I check - is he leaving me for her? Not yet? What if he will in the future? Then I wait. Over time, if he keeps not leaving me or liking me less, then I get less afraid, because the fear is less plausible. My body gets tired of freaking out when nothing happens. 2/7

      1 reply 1 retweet 93 likes
      Show this thread
    3. Aella‏Verified account @Aella_Girl Feb 4

      Method 2: plow into the fear. Yeah, maybe he will leave me. Maybe he'll like her more than me. Should I stop him? Should I actively work to prevent him having a relationship with someone he's more compatible with? That feels gross. If he wants to leave, then he should leave. 3/7

      2 replies 4 retweets 107 likes
      Show this thread
    4. Aella‏Verified account @Aella_Girl Feb 4

      Trying to restrict his actions because I'm *afraid of him leaving me* feels actually really bad and cruel when I look directly at it. I actually don't want that! I don't want to do that to him. So my jealousy feels deeply painful, but also bearable, because it's meaningful. 4/7

      2 replies 1 retweet 94 likes
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      Aella‏Verified account @Aella_Girl Feb 4

      It can be heart wrenching, because it means I have to regularly come into close contact with the pain of potential loss. But it's also immensely rewarding, because the freedom feels loving, and it's super apparent that the relationship is a choice made out of real freedom. 5/7

      4:10 PM - 4 Feb 2021
      • 1 Retweet
      • 90 Likes
      • Rafael Winniger 🏳️‍🌈 hugo_gbs beetle soup tu amigo imaginario Riley Jon Shea Wren henrie diosa ali ur fave energy worker
      1 reply 1 retweet 90 likes
        1. New conversation
        2. Aella‏Verified account @Aella_Girl Feb 4

          This is basically how it works for friendships. Sometimes, romantic relationships have more practical things built onto them, like children or shared finances. What about that - you can't just "let people leave" if you have children at stake! Isn't jealousy good, then? 6/7

          2 replies 1 retweet 74 likes
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        3. Aella‏Verified account @Aella_Girl Feb 4

          Almost but not quite. If you have a good friend with whom you build a company, would you argue jealousy is good? Probably not, that seems like a weird frame. You'd definitely need commitment, but the commitment is *for the company*, not for the friendship. 7/7

          4 replies 1 retweet 72 likes
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        4. Aella‏Verified account @Aella_Girl Feb 4

          P.S. I've dated as a poly person for a decade, and only once have I had a poly partner leave me for another partner, which really sucked but in hindsight was a good thing. Nearly all my other breakups were due to other, non-poly issues.

          9 replies 1 retweet 93 likes
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        5. End of conversation

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