It's hard to explain here partially for the very reason it's changing - I'm becoming more hesitant to express vulnerable parts of myself, because some types of negative pushback are really painful. I've heard several ppl express that they don't see me as human, but 2/
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rather a symbol, like they'll insult me somewhere hidden online, but then when I respond to them they immediately apologize and say they didn't really mean it.
I feel like a bigger, more unhuman target to a wider group of people now, and it's harder than it looks. 3/
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Getting mass, multi-day hate brigades online is an absolutely surreal feeling. It's like doing a drug - even for me, who's unusually resilient to internet hate. I would have never been able to adequately explain it to my past self.
Anyway, all this is changing me 4/
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in ways I don't have control over. It's like some deep parts of myself are rewiring how I present and talk. I still feel 'brave' or whatever expressing some things, and increasingly afraid with other things, mostly things that people would perceive as unflattering for me. 5/
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For example: I've historically been an *extremely nice* person, almost to a fault.
But a few years ago I had someone message me very self-effacing; "I know I'm nobody, but it'd make my day if you could respond"
And in response, I felt like I wanted to hurt him. 6/
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It was kind of shocking. My impulse was to push him away and make him suffer. Wtf? I was disturbed with myself, but eventually figured out a theory why this happened, which I can go into elsewhere.
But my point is, with this example, it'd be very easy for ppl who hate me to 7/
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quote it out of context, or hell, even *in* context, to describe me as a sociopathic sadist who has urges to hurt the weak.
And the thing is, a lot of the stuff I want to explore but am afraid to is stuff that's unflattering along those lines. 8/
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To be clear, I personally experience little-to-no judgment of these things in myself. I've reached the point where I'm fortunate to be totally okay with all my own gross horribleness; my fear is specifically the angry internet masses who are *not* okay with my gross horribleness.
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And so it's very hard to talk publicly about the ways my (limited amount of) 'fame' is changing me. Few people by definition understand, and people who can't are much more likely to judge. All the changes are unflattering, the difficulties unrelatable. It's pretty isolating. 10/
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Another aspect of this is that I'm slowly becoming aware of 'hidden networks', and I feel very outside of them. I'm terrible at networking, I'm unclear and insecure about my value to the outside world, and I try *so hard* to be chill about it all cause being unchill is uncool. 11
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I often feel like I have no idea what's going on, like I'm entering some big jittery ride that is taking me somewhere extreme, either good or bad, and I don't know how to ask the more experienced people for help and I am afraid to talk about it with everyone else. 12/12
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I very strongly feel the same as the last two (no fame just work wise). It is frustrating especially since the "you have to network!" thing is both everywhere and seems quite true.
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I really enjoy what you share, your polls, and your unique thinking.
The anonymity of online correspondence brings out the worst of the worst in people, and we're not wired to handle it as social apes.
No matter if you know its projection, it still hurts.
Thanks for sharing ❤️
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human relations just don't scale... maybe go private and start pruning? (please don't prune me...)
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As a person who is the exact opposite of famous, I find these details very interesting and important. Fame has been normalized but it’s fucking WILD
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As a dedicated introvert my opinion is probably of limited value, but if it's OK with you I will say a prayer tonight. Heck I've been in a pretty dark place lately so it would do me some good.
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Can't say I'm experienced in the massive amount of hate you receive, but I have experienced a lot of hate for being who I am & my life choices and if u ever want someone to chat about this type of thing, I'm happy to listen or share my perspective on things.
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I like you Aella. You're doing ok. Keep doing you. I'm not adding much here but thanks for being vulnerable and honest always. It's been helpful in my own journey
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